I’m engaged to a fantastic guy. However, he desperately wants me to take his last name, which I don’t want to do.
To me the practice seems antiquated and a little silly. I also like my last name and want to keep it. The thought of giving it up makes me feel like I’m losing a part of my identity. I have no brothers, so I feel badly that my family name would disappear forever.
I offered to compromise and hyphenate the names, but he refuses to budge and says that it’s a deal-breaker for him. He feels that my refusal to take his name indicates that I don’t want to be tied to him and shows a lack of "unity."
I argue that I shouldn't have to give up my name in the 21st century when it’s common for women to keep their name. What should I do? We're arguing about it constantly.
It’s not about his name, it’s about control – his way or the highway.
Raise the question of whether you each love the other enough to compromise. Even if Yes, you’ll still need couple’s counselling before you’re ready to enter into marriage.
Your having equally strong feelings on this subject isn’t unusual if you both want/accept an equal union of independent-thinking personalities. But he’s unmoveable on this demand. That’s a red flag for the future that needs to be resolved.
A good friend was invited to be maid of honour (MOH) for her childhood friend. Five months before the wedding, the MOH started dating a guy and distanced from me and the bride.
She stopped participating in wedding events/plans but reassured us that she’d make more effort. I understood her relationship excitement and helped the bride.
Two weeks before the wedding date, the MOH said she was now engaged. The bride, upset, said that she couldn't be happy for her because she was stressed and focusing on her own wedding.
I tried to console the MOH who felt hurt. She then announced her engagement on social media. The bride got more upset.
Now, the MOH is living with her fiancé and talking to me less. I became closer with the bride. We both felt like we lost our best friend, but she eventually told me that I shouldn’t be friends with the bride because she’s so self-centered.
I said it was my decision to make. I don't know how to continue both friendships without upsetting the other. Do I take a break from them both?
Oh my, Yes! Take a break from your role as The Consoler, and retreat from these two self-centered personalities.
I’ve heard worse Bridezilla-tales over the years but this one took high marks on the more-about-me scale.
Reality check: 1) A new relationship doesn’t erase accepted maid-of-honour duties. It was not a valid excuse to stop showing up for planning and events.
2) A friend’s engagement should spread happiness among the group. Instead, the bride saw it as a competitive grab for the limelight coming from the other’s future plans/celebrations.
3) A mutual friend (that’s you) who’s trying to stay innocent of such manipulative behaviours, should recognize when two people are competing for attention and doing so at the expense of your goodwill and comfort level.
Be too busy to listen. Make new friends through common interests at this stage of your life, instead of listening to drivel from childhood friends still fighting to be top dog.
My friend has a child in my daughter’s class at our public school. She “forgets” every change in the girls’ schedules and phones me last-minute questioning why, even though the school sends out special-event reminders.
As “class mother,” I recently organized a collection for their teacher’s Christmas present. My friend didn’t remember to pay her share of the modest gift cost (though I’d sent parents a group email). I had to remind her to repay me.
She’s otherwise a very smart woman with a good job. So, I can’t understand why she forgets these simple details.
She doesn’t have to remember, because she has you to remind her. That’s her practical way of being “smart,” prioritizing what she must focus on.
You’re handling the girls’ school needs, so she puts her mind to what’s more pressing for her – perhaps her job, or other commitments. Accept it, if you value the friendship.
Tip of the day:
Major decisions have to become “our way” in a marriage, or its path will be frequently blocked.