My husband had an affair five years ago, which resulted in a child. He ended it, and has been paying the mother support voluntarily, without seeing a lawyer.
She doesn’t let him see his child, or photos and never acknowledges gifts he sends.
Frankly, we can’t afford the expense fighting her would bring. However, she continually harasses me.
Recently, my husband didn’t deposit her money when she expected it (it wasn’t late) and she phoned to rant that he was out cheating on me (not true).
I calmly emailed her asking her to stop contacting me as I had nothing to do with any of this. Then I blocked my email address.
Next, she put a vindictive, public message on a video my brother-in-law made and posted on the web. We removed it.
We’ve considered telling her that if she doesn’t stop, he’ll stop her money and when she goes to a lawyer, we’ll ask for visitation. But he doesn’t want to hurt his child.
He was foolish, but she knew he was married and made her own grown-up decisions (in her 40’s).
How do I get her to stop?
- Wit’s End
Back out of this. It’s one thing to forgive and support your husband, but another to be fighting his battle with an ex-lover.
He needs professional legal advice on how to stop her harassment. And he needs guidance to think through how and when to begin seeking a relationship with his child. She’s an angry woman, with the full responsibility of raising this child. If you’re going to get judgmental about “grown-up decisions,” remember that it took two people, and you have no idea what he was telling her at the time.
That’s in the past, but the resulting offspring is here for the rest of his life, and a better plan needs to be made, with terms, responsibilities and expectations negotiated.
I’ve been married for three years; while dating, he took everything slowly including not inviting me along with his university friends.
Now his main group are work colleagues and I’ve never met even one, as he still never invites me.
Through snooping, I learn afterwards of others bringing their partners, or of colleagues telling him to bring me, and he says I’m busy.
He’s stopped joining me for my friends’ events. He has bar nights weekly and a sports event every other week without me.
I have been overbearing, critical, and controlling but I’ve improved with therapy. My other mistakes have been to police him (still), which I know is futile, but his actions keep adding fuel to my insecurity.
You’re in a self-fulfilling cycle of distrust: Your overbearing, policing behaviour causes him to not trust how you’ll react when you meet his work colleagues. So, Hubby creates a No-Go Zone for his social life, which causes you to become untrusting of him. Someone has to break that cycle, or you’ll soon be operating from different places entirely.
Recognize that your actions add as much “fuel” as his do. Since you’re already in therapy, work on the roots of your insecurity, which likely began long before he was in your life. Ask your therapist if, and when, your husband can be brought into the process – if he’s willing - to help him understand why you carry this baggage, and how you can work together to get past it and improve your relationship.
How does one go about getting an annulment of a Catholic wedding?
- Beyond Curious
Given the religious and legal implication of having a marriage annulled, the process should begin with both parties getting informed as to what annulment means versus divorce, how the Church views it, the legal status of any children of the marriage, etc. According to Wikipedia, “Annulment is a legal procedure for declaring a marriage null and void. Unlike divorce, it is retroactive: an annulled marriage is considered never to have existed.”
The Catholic Church has some established reasons for annulments, including insanity, which precluded one party’s ability to consent to the marriage; and deceit, whereby had a partner been aware of the truth, he/she wouldn’t have consented to marry. Both spouses should talk to their priest, plus a counsellor - whether together or individually - to help deal with the emotions arising from this decision.
Tip of the day:
When a child is born from a spouse’s affair, that child’s well-being is more important than the anger of any adult involved.