Dear Readers:

Here are excerpts of some of your responses to a letter (Jan. 5) from Out of Patience, a married woman with children, who asked, on behalf of herself and friends in their 40s, “When do we come first?” She said of her husband, “I don’t want to wait around the rest of my life, for him to put effort into this relationship.”

* My wife and I know that a loving, happy marriage requires attention and care to maintain. Often, we have to schedule dates or basic quality time together, as we both work demanding (but fulfilling) jobs.

Good jobs can come and go, but a loving spouse is a true blessing.

-David

* Sometimes we find we have the same problem at 40 that we had when we were in our 20s. That discontentment has been there all along but when we’re younger we mask it with other things. Later, we look to other people for our happiness – i.e. husbands, children and friends. When unhappy we find a reason outside ourselves and the ones closest to us usually become that reason.

-Teresa

* These women need to realize what their working husbands are sacrificing (emotionally) to maintain the lifestyle that they’re accustomed to. I think men have some tough choices to make, especially in their 40’s. Do they pursue the career that may have come to a dead end, take a lesser job and spend time with the family they hardly know? Or, throw in the relationship towel and fall for a younger woman and start all over? Men usually can’t (or won’t) talk about these issues, and the result is marital breakdown.

-Mr. Mom

* Ask yourselves the tough questions: Do you really want him/her to move away from the work-world back to your emotional world? If yes, what’s on the block to trade-off or simplify in your lifestyle, to move in this direction?

-One Thinker

* She said she loves her husband. It’s the key to everything else and if she works at it she’ll again want to be married to him. He has to work at it too, and it sounds like they’ve fallen into a classic parenting rut where they only talk about the kids or the news and anything deeper to them personally, is left unsaid.

-Patricia

* About your reader saying many of these women hadn’t had sex with their husbands for two years: Odds are he’s been with someone else. Wives are always the last to know (I sure was). If you “cannot leave your family” ask yourself why: You wouldn’t be leaving your family, just your husband. If talking to him doesn’t not help, is this is your life for the next 40 years? These things get worse, not better, if they’re not fixed. And, if you stay, then your children will grow up with a resentful, angry mother. Is this what you want?

-I Started Over

* As a recently-divorced guy, 40s, I recognize a lot of the characteristics, especially the lack of communication that exists in her marriage. “Out of Patience” needs to stop blaming others for her unhappiness and focus on getting her own happiness in order first, as well as protecting her kids from any fall-out in their marriage. As for her girlfriends, while I sympathize with their situations I have no tolerance for people who sit around feeling for themselves and blaming others.

-Been There

* We’re bombarded with positive messages – we’re in our prime, 50 is the new 40, these are the years to celebrate. Then there’s the flip side: The burden of caring for aging parents, the emptiness that accompanies children leaving home or looking in the mirror and not really recognizing the person before us. Prior to our middle years, we have a road map - university, career, marriage, house, and kids - more or less in that order.

But the middle years are up for grabs. By the time we get into our 40’s, we ask, “What next?” And here’s where it gets tricky. It’s a time of transition. It’s a time of grieving for what was and discovering who we really are. What can be done?

First, accept the reality of this stage; Figure out what you want to do with these middle years then start moving in that direction.

- Karen Hamilton is the publisher of The Best Kept Secret

(www.thebestkeptsecret.ca), a newsletter and website for Toronto women in their 40s.