My best friend’s husband is cheating. He works with my husband, who knows through the gossip mill that when he tells her he’s working late, he’s at another woman’s apartment.

His lover works at another branch office. They all met at a workshop and everyone in their office now knows these two are having an affair. My husband hasn’t actually seen them together since the workshop, but he says there’s no doubt that the gossip’s true.

If I break up their marriage with this news, it’ll surely end our friendship, as she’s crazy about her husband and hasn’t a clue.

Torn

It’s one of the toughest questions to face personally: Do you tell on a cheater? Many readers have opinions on this, and I hope many will share their own experiences in this murky area.

But here are two of the crucial things to consider: 1) He could be risking his wife’s health with a potential Sexually Transmitted Disease (STD) as the other woman may also have other partners. 2) When your friend eventually finds out – as inevitably happens when an affair’s obvious to many - it’ll become equally obvious that you must’ve known… and left her in the dark, to be humiliated, and at risk for longer.

If you can’t bring yourself to just bite the bullet and tell her what you’ve heard – making it clear you have no actual evidence yourself – start by asking her some leading questions.

Examples - How are things between them, is he working hard lately, has she noticed any changes, etc.

She’ll naturally be suspicious and insist you tell her why you’re asking. Say there’s a nasty rumour, and neither you nor your husband knows if it’s true. But you believe she’d want you to tell her. Then do so.

There’s no guarantee that your friendship won’t be affected. But that may only last awhile. Meanwhile, re-read those two serious considerations above, to remind yourself why you broached the subject knowing you’d end up having to tell her.

Our son’s married to a difficult woman who creates trouble on every occasion, with rude comments, criticism, and putdowns of any and all of us.

Our other son’s wife has reacted by refusing to attend anything where either this daughter-in-law OR our son is present, thereby splitting up the brothers.

We’ve asked our second daughter-in-law to rise above the situation so that the two men can maintain their once-close relationship. She says she didn’t cause the problem and she won’t be exposed to the other woman’s nastiness. She says if her husband accepts it, then he’s not supporting her.

We have no other children. What can we do to end the rift between our two sons?

Heartbroken

The problem is the nasty daughter-in-law, not the other one. The whole family must stand up to the troublemaker, not the one who’s wisely staying clear.

If your son doesn’t defend his parents and brother, don’t cast blame on others, he’s either quietly agreeing with his wife or weak. But stay connected to him, in the potential case that he’ll need your support one day to leave her.

Accept that the family’s already divided. Create separate celebrations to avoid clashes between the two brothers’ wives. But if this woman persists in disrespecting you and your husband as well, take a complete break from them.

It may finally trigger that son’s alert to confront and deal differently with his wife.

FEEDBACK Regarding the parents whose pregnant daughter with one child already, has a violent, controlling husband (May 11):

Reader – “I’ve long been a family lawyer specializing in representing female survivors of domestic violence. Many of my clients are involved with their local children's aid society, some on a voluntary basis, some because the agency started court proceedings.

“These grandparents need to report this family to children’s services authorities, and they can do so anonymously. The child and unborn child are at risk. The effect of domestic violence, especially partner abuse, on children is well documented.

“In many jurisdictions, the law imposes a duty to disclose suspected child abuse on all adults who witness it. I’ve had to report this myself as a result of information I acquired in my practice.

“Better an angry daughter (and perhaps one who as a result of your reporting may get the services she needs) than another dead child.”