My wife’s sister has been nasty to both of us since we became engaged. My wife was previously dating this woman and her husband’s close male friend, and the two couples spent a lot of time together.

I get that it made for a cozy-seeming situation. But that “dream guy” as my sister-in-law still describes him, was a control freak who intimidated my wife. Breaking up with him wasn’t easy, she underwent months of therapy, all while being heavily criticized for the split by her sister.

When we started dating, my wife finally realized what it means to have a partner who treats her as an equal.

But her sister’s nasty cracks at family events – with everyone else pretending they don’t hear, or even laughing at comparisons of “dream guy” to me – drive us apart.

My wife says she’s talked to her family and can do nothing more. She says her sister’s always ruled the roost and everyone’s afraid to risk her turning nasty to them!

Wit’s End

Save your marriage. Stop attending family events. Your wife must tell her sister that she either treats you respectfully or they have no further relationship. She can tell the rest of the family she hopes to stay connected, but you two can only see them when her sister’s not there… unless there’s a change.

Comment - Our daughter met her future husband while vacationing in California. She wanted to get married there.

However, she thought it wasn’t right to invite friends and family who couldn’t attend. Nor to those who would attend under stress financially or with taking time off work.

We came up with a good plan.

Only immediate family and closest friends would receive, first, a personal phone call, followed by a wedding invitation.

Or, along with everyone else on our “combined” list, they’d be invited to a wedding celebration we (her parents who are living here) held a month later at a local venue. We hired a caterer and a DJ for this “hometown” celebration.

These plans, although a bit complicated, let all family and friends enjoy the wedding and/or the party without putting undue strain on anyone.

It was our daughter’s idea to phone people first and explain the options they could choose… leading to a very happy event.

FEEDBACK Regarding the woman upset by her husband sharing information with his newly found adopted daughter (May 8):

Reader #1– “Having spent most of my life seeking my biological father, only to have him completely shut me out when I eventually succeeded, I feel that this woman should feel humbled by her husband’s excitement and inclusive behaviour towards his daughter.

“Seeking out your father takes courage and emotional strength. Any positive response is relieving and greatly appreciated. A new relationship is slow moving and involved, with many questions from both sides.

“I'm sure his daughter was nervous and anxious for a welcoming and compassionate response from her father, and he provided just that.

“Sometimes people ask for medical information to start the ball rolling, as a (valid) excuse to start communicating.

“I think that this woman should think less about her own circumstances, and consider how difficult it must’ve been for the daughter to enter such unknown territory, where you never know what will be on the other side.

“We all want acceptance from the people who should love us the most, and I am proud of how this father handled this situation. He also had the courage to move forward.

I wish my father had acted with compassion and inner strength.”

Reader #2 – “I lost my son to adoption. We reunited and he and I were ecstatic to get to know each other. My family supported the reunion and his half-brothers were over the moon.

“His mother was also really happy for us. I was so grateful for her support.

“However, he’d just recently married and, sadly, his wife didn’t approve. Although I tried my best to help her understand that I wasn’t a threat, she’d have none of it. Ultimately, he was forced to choose and, of course, we lost him.

“I can’t stress enough that, although this is a trying time in the lives of the spouses, it’s also an extremely emotional time for the re-uniting parent and child involved.

“For this reason, it presents a real opportunity for spouses to support their partners in helping them to deal with this life-changing event, in a positive way.”