I'm a man who’s been married for 14 years. My wife and I have two children together. I used to feel like I was the luckiest husband in the world.
That’s because we had a great relationship and happy children. And, on top of all the parenting commitments, we still maintained a very kinky sex life.
Our relationship was open, we both dated other people and we were constantly pushing boundaries and enjoying new experiences.
Once Covid hit we understandably stopped seeing other people. Eventually, my wife decided that that "open" part of our relationship was over for good.
We’ve since had way less sex than we used to. Even when we’re intimate, I feel like she’s only doing it out of some sort of duty.
I've complained that I’m not happy with our sex life. But she insists that she’s happy and that I shouldn't expect anything different. She also suggested we seek couples therapy if that's how I feel.
I believe therapy would be unfair as she’s a therapist herself and would likely feel very comfortable during any counselling sessions.
What should I do?
Covid vs Kinky Sex
Many factors affect your currently changed relationship: Normal Covid fears of catching the virus and possibly infecting your children/elders. Plus, the practical impact through lockdowns on sex/dating outside of your marriage.
Moreover, your wife, perhaps influenced by her professional training, has done a “rethink” about it all.
However, it’s unfair for her to arbitrarily minimalize your sex life as a couple to a “duty” call.
But your concern that she’d be “very comfortable” during any counselling sessions (suggesting you would not be comfortable) is a cop-out.
After all, you both chose to practice “kinky sex” with others, over multiple years.
So, why wouldn’t you own it in counselling sessions with someone trying to help you both deal with her new feelings and your understandable resentment?
She must voice her reasons why she’s made the choice to avoid married sex with you as much as possible. No matter her fears, or change of heart, or other unexpressed reasons, she owes you honesty.
And you must express your feelings, too - whether it’s about the lessened sex or that you’re deeply hurt by her rejection.
You two formerly shared that openness regarding sex with others. Now, this is a make-or-break time for the future of your marriage. Speak up.
Dear Readers - Here’s the final response of those many already sent, regarding the young woman “ogled” for wearing a low-cut dress (Dec. 6, Nov.12, Oct. 22):
FEEDBACK “This woman’s choice of apparel is actually about why we hold her accountable without holding ourselves accountable as observers.
“She should be allowed to dress as she pleases without judgement. But observers/readers need to question why they look at her in a sexualized manner.
“She’s actually being viewed as sexual or inappropriate because of the observer/reader’s perspective. And whatever influences in their lives made them feel the need to judge/comment on a woman's attire and sexuality.
“We’ll never know whether she chose to dress to attract attention, and it's irrelevant. She’s done no wrong, no action taken that harms others. Yet she faces a public hearing for simply choosing her attire.
“Why? We see women as sexualized objects - to be picked apart and analyzed for simply existing. This notion’s consistently reinforced in our society.
“Don't decry her for being sexual. Challenge yourself for why you see her that way.”
I'm a single (mature) lady. My neighbours invited me to join them for Christmas dinner. What’s the appropriate etiquette on length of time for me to stay after dinner, without infringing on their “family” Christmas time?
Should I offer to help clean up or leave that to my hostess and her family? What’s an appropriate gift, if any, which I’m required to bring (they don't drink)?
Planning for Christmas
How generous and thoughtful of neighbours to invite you to join in their annual family Christmas!
Their kindness should be acknowledged with a symbol of your appreciation, well within the limits of what you can afford - e.g., a clay pot holding artificial pine and cedar sprays attached to a wire stem, surrounding red berries for bright colour. Or, a small, colourful floral arrangement in a glass or clear plastic vase.
At table-clearing time, take your own to the kitchen and depart soon after.
Tip of the day:
When a spouse/partner arbitrarily minimalizes their sexual connection, discuss openly, preferably during marital counselling sessions together.