I have a friend whose adult daughter in her 20s started tagging along to our get-togethers. The daughter had asked her mom once if she could join our dinner, and her mom asked me; I said sure. Little did I know that the daughter started tagging along every single time afterwards, be it lunch, afternoon tea, dinner, or all-day parties.

I became annoyed and uncomfortable because the daughter would just show up, sit there, enjoy her meal, which her mom paid for, and did not participate in any way in our conversations. Meanwhile I found it difficult to have a real, private conversation with my friend with her daughter around. If the daughter is someone who would or could connect with me, simply by participating in a normal conversation, I could have made another friend, but she just sits there.

So finally, I asked my friend if it’s possible that the next time we have lunch, could it just be the two of us. But the daughter got mad and started treating me like the villain. My friend also got defensive and wanted to save face by saying how smart her daughter is. I feel exasperated and find it odd that a young woman in her 20s would want to tag along with her mom’s friends (apparently, she wants to go to all her mom’s other parties too) and not hang out with her own friends.

What should I say to my friend who’s more intent on saving face and enabling her daughter than cherishing our friendship?

Not the third wheel

You’re focussing on the wrong thing here and not displaying generosity of spirit. Yes, it IS odd that a 20-something year old would tag along with her mother on multiple occasions, denying her mother any privacy and not spending time with people her own age.

This isn’t about you or your friendship with this girl’s mother. There’s likely something else going on here that you’re unaware of. Perhaps your friend was recently diagnosed with Parkinson’s, and her daughter joins her to mask any symptoms as your friend isn’t ready to divulge her diagnosis. Or she has a different diagnosis, mental or physical. You said the daughter joins her mother wherever she goes with everyone, not just you.

Or perhaps the daughter has been diagnosed with epilepsy and the mother refuses to let her out of her sight, but again, isn’t divulging her diagnosis. When something seems off, it usually is.

Talk to your friend, and if you can’t get her alone, then talk to both. Show them your love and support. Be a good friend to them.

My 14-year-old son was just diagnosed with diabetes. We’ve had three months to do a deep dive, and we feel confident that he has it under control. He is scheduled to be at sleepaway camp for one month in August, but now the camp is saying that they’re uncomfortable based on his condition.

I spoke with the camp doctor, who has a niece with diabetes, and she is perfectly fine managing my son’s meds and care. I got her to write a letter to the camp, as well as a sign-off from his own doctor.

Now what?

Diabetes Diagnosis

The camp should take everything into consideration and move forward. If your son’s doctor feels comfortable, and the on-site camp doctor feels comfortable, there shouldn’t be a problem.

Unless the camp is situated in the deep woods, remote from any hospital, between the doctor and your son, it should be manageable. From their POV, it is a risk and maybe one they’re not ready to take. I see both sides, as frustrating as that is for you and your son.

FEEDBACK Regarding always a parent (May 15):

Reader – “Having been in this situation myself with a single-parent daughter with mental health issues, I'd like to add that there’s a fine line between enabling and offering assistance and for many of us, this line becomes blurred. But we must step back, re-evaluate the situation and decide if we're doing more harm than good. Are our adult children learning from their mistakes or just leaning to us to fix everything?

“I found, at a certain point, I had to set strong boundaries. I suggest that as a condition for remaining living with you, this couple must see a debt/bankruptcy counsellor. Depending on their situation, they may need to consolidate their debts or go further, but a professional can work through this with them and set up manageable repayment plans.

“Meanwhile, you could discuss your future plans with them and set firm timeliness. Help them to gradually achieve these goals as responsible adults.”