I am a recent senior citizen who recently has been "ghosted" by my elderly mother. My mother and my wife have virtually never gotten along since my marriage over 30 years ago.  Mother's Day has always been a stressful time for me. My mother has always wanted me to visit her exactly on Mother's Day and any time before or after was insufficient.

This latest time she was adamant that she is MY MOTHER and not my wife and it should be her day. I stuck to my guns and said I would be happy to see her on Saturday. I knew she would be disappointed but didn't expect her to tell me not to bother coming at all and not to give her a card as it would be "meaningless."

Since then, I have tried to reach out to her but did not receive any response to a voicemail or email. What do you think my next move should be?

Motherless Child

Your mother is hurt. I’m not condoning her behaviour, but I believe it comes from a place of pain rather than anger. I think she feels that she doesn’t “count” because you put your wife first.

In many families, multiple generations celebrate together on these occasions, so EVERYONE can feel the love. For example, a backyard BBQ on Father’s Day with the teenagers doing prep, set up and clean up, the cooking done by mom, and the appetizers and dessert brought by grandma. So, the dads of both generations get the day off “chores” and feel celebrated, and everyone pitches in and shares the love.

If that doesn’t work, then split the day: lunch with your wife, the mother of your children, and dinner with your own mother.

Your next move should be to go to her house with flowers and her favourite treat (cookies, ice cream, butter tarts) and sit with her and talk or go for a walk and talk. Apologize for not giving her the respect she deserves. The chill between your wife and your mother isn’t the topic of discussion. That’s another issue and another column.

My wife and my mother have never gotten along since the day I got married, over 30 years ago. I don’t know any of the details, as in, who doesn’t like whom more, or what one did that upset the other one. I just know that I am caught between the middle of these two women, and it’s proved impossible over the past three decades.

It came to a head over Mother’s Day recently and now my mother isn’t speaking with me. Do the math – I’ve been married 30 years; my mother is an octogenarian. I don’t want her to pass with this ugliness hanging over our heads.

How can I get my wife and my mother to reconcile?

Man in the Middle

This may be harder than you would like it to be. Generally speaking, a grudge gains weight and traction the longer it sits. I wonder if either your mother or your wife remembers what started the rift. Probably not, after three decades.

Your wife is younger and should be more respectful to your mother. I’m not saying your wife is in the wrong, or that your mother should be commended for her behaviour. But I am suggesting that your wife is more capable of making the first move and apologizing. It won’t kill her to do so. How many years does your mother have left? She should be able to spend it with you (and your family) in peace and love.

Give your wife a big hug (and maybe a gift) and ask her to do this for you.

FEEDBACK Regarding the gay family man (May 12):

Reader – “I'm not gay; I have nothing against those who are, it isn't their choice, it’s who they are. But I'm puzzled by the married man with children who now wants to be seen as female. He has felt he was female all his life yet got married and had children. Did he consider he was female while having sex with his wife?

“Why does he want to come out now? Why such a strong desire to dress as a woman? No matter what he thought I cannot imagine him not looking like a man, no matter how closely he shaves. Others seeing him dressed as a woman would think it bizarre. Could he limit his dressing as a woman? If the urge is so strong that he must, how about wearing something sexual neutral? Jeans and a t-shirt?”

Lisi – If you’d sincerely like to learn more about what it’s like to be transgender, there are many books and resources out there. I don’t think you’re up to speed.