Following are leftover questions from my live online chat, “Relationship Re-boot” (January 14):

My ex-husband’s re-married and his wife doesn’t like our daughter, who’s 14. She stays almost silent when they’re all together, or doesn’t join them when he takes our daughter out.

He’s not seeing our child as regularly as before.

I’ve heard from mutual friends that she’s trying to get pregnant. I fear she’d push my daughter right out of their life if she were successful.

Can an ex-wife re-boot a father-daughter relationship?

Kids Come First

Unfortunately, it’s not likely that she’ll let her husband take direction from you.

But he should be made aware of how his distancing is affecting his daughter. Let him know if she’s hurt or missing him, next time he picks her up (so he can then talk to her on his own).

Don’t raise what may happen if he has another child… or you’ll have gone too far and lose the chance to help your daughter.

Keep it simple: She loves him and needs his interest in her. It’s crucial to her growing up with confidence in herself and in her relationships with all males.

I’d like to improve my relationship with my mother. I’m female, 32, in a good relationship, but she’s worried that I’m with the wrong man, and if I don’t move on it’ll get late for me to have a family with someone new.

I’m happy with this guy and I’m not in a panic about my biological clock.

I asked her to back off and she was devastated. Now she waits for me to call her because she “can’t trust that I’ll be decent” if she gets me in a bad mood.

Mommy Dearest

You can’t keep your mother from worrying about you, but you CAN change your reaction. Mothers worry;

Accept that.

You also can’t change her long-held opinions – e.g. the need for your starting a family soon – but you CAN change your response.

Try, “Thanks Mom, I know you mean well, I’ll talk to my doctor about it.”

You may not change her perceptions, but sometimes mothers do have greater experience and wisdom.

Ask her specifically what worries her about this man. Say you’ll look at that side of him more closely. Mean it.

If you still love and trust him, reassure her about why, and change the topic.

My wife and I are in the process of divorcing. It’s strongly affected our son, age 12, who’s acting out and angry all the time.

I know the marriage is gone but we need to be able to have a relationship for joint-custody parenting.

But she won’t go to counselling with me because she thinks I want it to get the marriage going again.

Stalled

Your son’s the issue, so the counselling that you all need is with a specialist in children’s issues around family breakup.

Once you focus on your son’s needs – soon - she’ll see that the counselling’s necessary to help him with school and socializing, as well as with you two.

You’ll both learn that his anger and acting out are fairly normal under the circumstances, and that your “joint” parenting job is to help him manage his emotions and not lose control where it’ll get him into serious trouble.

When you talk about the two of you having counselling, you raise her suspicions that it’s about re-connecting.

In this case, it’s not. And you, also, need to truly accept that.

My best friend’s a huge attention-seeker. She’s fun to be with on her own, and has a good heart… if you’re sick or in trouble, she’s there for you.

But out in public, she takes over every scene. She talks incessantly, acts like she knows everything being discussed (even makes things up), and doesn’t give anyone else a chance in the conversation. After being out with her, I sometimes never want to see her again!

Enough

Weigh the options… if you drop her, will you lose someone who’s most caring about you? Or is her attention seeking intolerable?

Cut down on going out with friends together, but stay in touch through email and phone calls.

Since she supports you, that deserves some support back. Find a private time to tell her – best after an outing together – that she dominated to the point of excluding everyone else.

The added message from getting together less should help her see the light.