My boyfriend, 22, has a short fuse and it worries me. Whenever anyone says anything to him in a strong tone, he gets very agitated, talks back rudely, and says he’s being “put down, and won’t stand for it.”
He’s normally a sweet guy, a caring boyfriend (six months) and a hard worker, but I’m afraid he’s going to get in trouble one day, by overreacting.
At work too, if a co-worker gets flustered close to closing time and tries to get the others to hurry, my boyfriend takes offence, and shouts back that he’s not being “ordered around.”
Is this a sign of a serious anger issue?

- Concerned

It’s more a sign of his lack of confidence… for now.
Your guy has some fine qualities, but clearly gets sensitive to anything he feels questions his image. It’s possible that he didn’t grow up in an atmosphere of encouragement, or that he’s had to struggle to get where he is today and still is unsure of where he’s going.
He can benefit greatly from your pride in your relationship, how he treats you, and his work ethic.
Also, talk to him – in a quiet moment, and without blaming - about his overreactions. Point out that when his co-worker’s in a flap, that’s who has the problem, not your guy. He can stay above it, even offer to help out if this last-minute scramble at work happens regularly.
However, if the incidents of angry reactions escalate, he should consider getting counselling to learn strategies to stay cool in such situations.

My married step-daughter plays on her father’s guilt-feelings about his divorce from her mother, though it was 15 years ago. She constantly whines about various needs until he pays up for something (even a new car), offers to baby-sit for a whole weekend, invites her and the kids to our place to eat several times a week, etc.
Though my husband can afford some financial generosity from his own savings, the sum of his “gifts” still affects what extras we can spend on, like travel.
Also, I’m never asked. I’m just told at the last minute that “the family” is coming for dinner, or that our weekend plans have been cancelled because we have two toddlers moving in, etc. I work full-time and resent these demands.
When I raise the issue, he shuts me down, saying I knew I married a man with a daughter, and should put up with the involvement.
How can I not feel so used?

- Fed Up

Approach #1: Next dinner, ask your step-daughter to bring some contribution as you don’t have enough on hand. Suggest that in future you do pot luck together as you enjoy their company but can’t manage it all on your own.
For the next weekend baby-sit, do some things for yourself, leaving Grandpa in full charge. Then talk about having some “unchangeable” weekends together – e.g. getting theatre tickets, arranging out-of-town jaunts, etc.
Approach #2: If your step-daughter is truly financially strapped, and overwhelmed by child-rearing, her “whining” may not be a guilt trip but a cry for help from the person she trusts most.
Check your own attitude: By getting on side with the situation, you may come up with different solutions, such as providing a hired babysitter two days weekly, shopping with her to store up ready meals, and taking her out for a women-only meal, so you can get to know each other better.

Our son, who works overseas, is planning to marry a woman we’ve never met; yet my wife and I learned through his siblings that “he’s been sleeping with her for several years,” but they never openly dated! He’s 43, never married.
We’ve wanted him to find someone and be happy. But are we supposed to pretend that we don’t know or care that perhaps our soon-to-be daughter-in-law was married and cheating?
These aren’t the values we hold!

- Dislike Secrets

Hold back your judgment, Dad. Your son’s an adult on his own, making his own choices. If his lifestyle and values don’t match yours, he’s unlikely to change because of your disapproval, especially as he also chose to live far away.
His girlfriend may not even be the one who was “cheating,” if your son had another relationship going on. Meet her and welcome her to your family with an open mind.