I’m a male, 55, whose two children died in an automobile accident 15 years ago. All online dating sites ask, do you have children? Sometimes, I answer no, at others, yes.

After years of therapy, I reconnected with the world. I met several women for coffee. It went well until they ask about children.

If I’d answered no, I’m asked why not at my age (a red flag to most women). I explain. The horror on the women’s faces says the date will end quickly.

I’d posted the truth for about six months and didn’t receive one reply, so I removed it.

Some women say they now can only think of their own children or grandchild - a normal reaction - but it ends any lightness.

I’ve lied and said it just didn't happen. Some then assume I’m gay, or ask, why aren't you still married? I don't have a proper answer. (Truth: She couldn't stay because I was a reminder of the younger child who looked like me.)

Women in the same situation don't want a reminder of their tragedy. How better can I handle this?

Dating Pariah

Frankly, most dating sites provide too big an anonymous ocean for you to fish in, at this stage.

Here’s why I strongly recommend you find a local Bereaved Parents’ Association or Bereaved Families group - navigating the dating world requires skills you can learn from others who’ve shared your experience.

I’m not suggesting you expect those groups to provide you with dates, but rather with information and a broader supportive network.

There are chapters across the United States and Canada, www.bereavedparentsusa.org/ www.bereavedparentsofcanada.ca/.

My husband constantly expects utmost respect from our kids and me, yet he’ll insult me in front of them.

I’m a full-time working mom who does all the cooking, cleaning, laundering, takes kids to activities, and monitors their education. If I ask him to contribute, he refuses and says to stop the kids’ activities.

At home, he does nothing, but has time and money to golf three to four days weekly with his buddies, staying out very late. When one of our kids has games, he still golfs. We don't go on vacations. He spent our wedding anniversary golfing and dining with his friends. Other times, it’s soccer, volleyball, etc.

If we go to a beach, he’ll join people playing volleyball, and I’m left with the kids. At a party, he’ll find a lost friend, and I sit alone or with friends, embarrassed.

He says he loves me everyday. I’m hurt, can't say anything, as I don't want the kids to hear, or assume anything. Their future’s my priority so I focus all my attentions on that.

But I’m starting to get upset often. Going anywhere to seek counseling is out of question.

Upset

You’re more than a golf widow… you’re basically on your own. You’ve accepted this role for a long time, but the insults and neglect of you as a companion have become publicly demeaning, even with your children.

Speak up - as much for the kids’ sake as your own. HE demands respect, and so must you. Otherwise, staying for the sake of the kids is counter-productive. They’re learning his lack of respect. And they’ll likely rebel against these mixed messages and silent power struggle between you two.

Say so. If he rejects these facts, and refuses to change at all, he’s in love with himself, not you.

Counselling for yourself should NOT be “out of the question.”

My parents, former hippies, still smoke dope and occasionally recount their “wild old days” - both had affairs and participated in a wife swap. I’m straight-laced and my girlfriend’s more so. She’s a government lawyer. She keeps asking to meet my parents, but they like to show off how cool they think they are, so I’ve been making excuses.

Holding Back

If you want a long-term relationship, speak up and explain your parental “situation.” Holding back may eventually make her feel you’re not serious about her, or that you can’t handle personal emotions. (If that’s part of your problem, consider getting counselling).

Meanwhile, describe their background, which WAS considered “cool” back in the day. Also, they raised you, and apparently the “lifestyle” was left in the past. If you lighten up, you both might see their better qualities together. But do alert them, that tales of infidelity are NOT acceptable “family history.”