Whenever an argument or somewhat negative comment is made by a boyfriend, I automatically assume the worst - that he wants to break up through a massive fight.

I’m now in a yearlong relationship, one of the best I’ve ever had. But while I’m much happier and more comfortable, I still have this problem sometimes, which we’ve discussed recently. (He’s a wonderful, kind, and gentle man).

Example – when I asked him to come shopping with me, he was initially hesitant. Halfway through, he got silent, so I asked what was wrong. He said he didn’t want to say anything because I’d erupt, misread him, and panic. This made me panic.

He said he was upset because he had things he needed to get done, but had come because he wanted to make me happy.

I then became anxious and assumed that I’d ruined his day, and he’d obviously want to go home and not see me for the rest of the day. He got more upset that I’d reacted that way. I’m probably not very attractive when I do this, and insecure at times.

We smoothed things over quickly, and had a wonderful day, but I know this’ll come up again.

How do I stop this? I saw a therapist a year or two ago, and we concluded there are insecurity issues due to my childhood (many childhood bullies, somewhat ill parents), but in general she said I was fine.

Randomly Insecure

You have a good understanding of your reaction and how harmful it is to relationships. Now you need strategies to divert yourself from this old pattern when you recognize the triggers.

This takes the will to do so, rather than reverting to your old “woe-is-me, he’s leaving” panic, which undoubtedly has pushed people away in the past.

It also takes trying harder than before, knowing it’s up to you to stop this. That therapist you saw pronounced you “fine” but didn’t give you strategies to stay that way. Go back, either to her or someone else, if you can’t change the pattern on your own.

My sister died recently. My husband and I sent a dozen red roses to the service. After the funeral, her family brought the roses back to us. I felt it was a slap in the face to return my gift. I could’ve accepted another arrangement, but not the one I gave.

Am I being touchy or is this a common situation?

Also, my sister and I always put a floral wreath on our parents’ tombstone. This year, the wreath needed replacing. I bought a new one. My brother-in-law offered to help pay.

However, I said I’d look after it, because he had his own parents’ grave and now my sister’s to put flowers on.

Now he’s put a vase of artificial flowers at the bottom of my parents’ stone. Should I apologize to him for not having accepted his money? It seems I’m having trouble doing the right thing.

Hurt and Confused

You’re naturally feeling sensitive after your sister’s loss. It’s highly likely no slight was intended with the roses. Rather, it was simply to not let the flowers go to waste. If there’s a protocol to this situation, surely other readers will let us know.

Your brother-in-law was thoughtfully trying to do what his wife would’ve done.

Thank him for the vase he placed. And say you’d be happy to share the cost in future.

FEEDBACK Regarding the financially strapped woman upset that her siblings paid her and her husband’s share of a family Mother’s Day lunch (June 4):

Reader – “My family has a large cottage property that my two brothers, their wives, my mom and I share along with our extended families.

“My mother, 80, lives there and happily pays taxes and utilities, she owns the properties. I’m single, in a much lower income bracket than my brothers. They often buy new lawn mowers, renovation materials, etc. and pay without ever including me.

“I cannot say how much I appreciate their thoughtfulness as I have a hard time paying for needed repairs in my own home.

“I try to do my part by helping our mother with medical appointments, bills, gardening, seasonal cleaning, etc.

“The kids do what they can with grass-cutting and upkeep. We enjoy large family gatherings there which keep us all close.”