My previously married husband had an affair with a married woman, who conceived their daughter.

It caused the divorce of his first marriage. Though the woman’s suspicious husband moved his family to Britain, my husband followed, and for six months, they met secretly.

When we met 22 years ago, he said he had a daughter but wouldn’t get back with the mother.

There’ve been letters from his “ex-lover” all my married life, which I’d intercept and read. She was always “wishing” things could’ve been different and reminiscing about their past affair. She also described what her daughter was doing but I understand that.

She had two other children since and was still married to the same man.

Two years ago she told her daughter about her real father, and started writing to him more regularly. I told him to tell her to get out of his life, and just communicate with his daughter.

I even wrote to her and told her to leave us alone.

Last year I accidentally discovered that he’d met them both secretly in our city for a day.

I’ve always said his daughter should meet us as a family including our son. But he did this in secret.

I went to his work and intercepted many emails between him and the ex, talking about maybe getting together after my son finished high school.

He denied everything, says he loves me, has been faithful, and has no intention of leaving me for her. But my trust’s shattered. He’s now in contact with them by telephone so I can’t see emails.

Meanwhile, his ex filed for divorce. I don’t trust her. My husband and I haven’t been as intimate as before, for a year.

If he leaves me I’ll have nothing to live for. I suggested marriage counselling but no response.

Distraught

The continuing contact and recent events have been very hard on you. He’s not made it easier.

He was right to have contact about/with his daughter, but wrong to be so secretive, and to set no limits on his ex-lover’s reminders about their affair. He’s also ignored your requests for boundaries.

Time to focus on YOU, not on him or her. Frankly, it’s possible that neither can be trusted.

Talk to a counselor and a lawyer. You need confidence that you DO have a life ahead – for yourself and your son’s sake, whether with this man or on your own… or with someone else you can trust.

I recently followed my father one night after I accidentally saw suggestive texts from a woman. He went to her house instead of back to the office, for “extra work.”

When confronted, he claimed a mid-life crisis caused him to have a fling, but he’s over it. He begged me not to tell my mother. Is a fling as bad as cheating?

Betrayed?

This is your parents’ business, not yours. You may be disappointed in him and hurt, but your father gave a somewhat logical explanation.

A married person’s “fling” IS infidelity. Yet this appears a fleeting event. As “bad” as cheating? My perspective isn’t a moral absolute here, but a reality: In a marriage that’s been otherwise stable, and where understanding for circumstances is possible, a couple may decide this isn’t as destructive as an affair.

Your father recognizes his mistake. Your mother may or may not discover it and respond as suits her. But it’s best forgiven and forgotten by you.

FEEDBACK Regarding the woman who’s upset that her husband accepted a “friend” request from his ex-lover who bore/raised their now-adult child (June 6):

Reader – “Unbeknownst to me, an old girlfriend found my husband online two years ago and began a correspondence via email. They’d been involved in university, 40 years ago, but she’d left him.

“She’d tracked him down 12 years later in New York and had an affair with him. But again she left.

“Now she reappeared. Their "friendly" emails became a sexually explicit online affair, which I discovered in January. In March, saying he was going away on business, he flew to meet her. Their online affair became a physical one.

“Although he claims to still love me, he’s living with her in her city.

“This woman who wrote should tell her husband he’s playing with fire.”

The writer of today’s first letter, above, should heed your warning!