My wife and I married just under two years ago. She recently confessed that she thinks she can no longer stay in the marriage.
She’s fallen out of love with me.
She says she’s felt this way for the last six-to-nine months. I suggested counselling together but after three sessions she said she doesn’t think our marriage is reconcilable.
She describes feeling empty inside, which I think signals her needing additional professional help. I also now feel that she was unprepared for marriage.
I’m a very good husband. I’ve sometimes questioned our lack of intimacy/sex and she responded that she didn't feel confident within her own body.
I encouraged her to attend a gym or start a physical activity. She did neither.
I still love her.
Given the lack of intimacy, I snooped in her phone as she’s been working late recently and going out with male co-workers.
She’s been texting with one male co-worker. One of the messages was very flirtatious and I called her out for it.
Now she says she cannot trust me anymore. I admit snooping is wrong, but I felt the need to know if something "more" is/was going on.
We’re currently living in separate homes. Is it best to file for separation since she sees no way for us getting back together?
There’s little hope for this marriage while she’s unwilling, untrusting, and flirting with one or more men.
Snooping is “wrong,” but you had an understandable need for seeking (and finding!) some reasons for her early insistence on ending things.
Even if she won’t go to counselling, you should continue. You’d benefit from professional guidance on how to move on after your separation.
Reader’s Commentary Regarding the woman warning of the future results of marrying someone much older (June 24):
“She’d married a man 22 years older than herself and he’d passed away at 81, while she’s a young-feeling, healthy but lonely 61-year-old woman..
“My experience is so similar to hers, that I want to assure her that her choice should not be regretted.
“I'm a 62-year-old gay male who met my partner when I was 21 and he was 41. We were together almost 40 years until he passed away last year of a heart attack.
“He was my best friend, and we were inseparable. I too, am now lonely and struggling with what to do with how to move on.
“I went for grief counselling but at some point you have to accept what happened and decide a new path for yourself. I'm not there yet.
“She may’ve felt she gave him the best years of her life, as do I, but those were the best years of our lives because they were in them.
“I’d never have had with anyone else as wonderful a life as I had with him.
“She should realize that she could’ve married a man her own age who could’ve died two years ago too.
“None of us are guaranteed tomorrow, so cherish what you have (had), because it can all disappear in a flash.
“My only regret was not being able to say, "Thank you for the wonderful life you gave me," and "Goodbye".
“Unlike her, I'm not even interested in finding someone else. I have to find me first, and after 40 years of “us,” that may take a while.
“Just let your letter-writer know that it wasn't a mistake.”
Reader’s Commentary Regarding the common issue of sibling rifts:
“It happened to me, when I was influenced by other family members and said words to my sister that I now regret.
“I was judging her comments without knowing all the details. We each had an unsaid explanation/excuse for her behaviour. The conflict related to my humble choice of work field when I emigrated here.
“When she arrived, she had time to study (no kids), but my story was different.
“My anger at her comment came out when less expected.
“We cannot change the time back for doing better but we can forgive, fix what can be changed, and restore the peace.
“I’m happy that my relationship with my sister is open again even if we sometimes have very different opinions.
“She insisted that we make peace. I wish I’d had the courage to discuss the problem right away and not wait months or years to learn the truth.”
Tip of the day:
When a partner’s suddenly “fallen out of love,” there’s more going on than you’re being told. Without joint counselling, there’s little hope.