My boyfriend just doesn’t know how to make me feel good in the bedroom. We get along great; we’re great friends, and we laugh a lot. And we’re very attracted to each other. But when kissing leads to more, he gets so excited by it all, that it then becomes all about him and his pleasure.

He has tried, or rather, he thinks he’s tried, but he hasn’t really. Not enough to make me feel as good as he feels. I often have to leave the room and finish when he’s asleep, or sometimes I just finish with him there. On those occasions, I lie and tell him my body was up for multiple orgasms. He believes me.

How do I talk to him about the fact that I’m not feeling pleasure the same way he is when we’re together having sex?

Not enough

If you think that your boyfriend can turn you on and pleasure you the way you would like, but he just isn’t doing the right things, then you need to talk to him and show him what you want him to do to get the result you both want. That may be awkward, I understand, but a short period of awkwardness which leads to many pleasurable moments is worth it, I think.

I feel you would be best served if you pre-empted a sexual moment, when he’s already in the throes of ecstasy, to have your discussion. Meaning, before you start kissing which turns into more intimacy, tell him how you’re feeling and what you’d like. Then physically show him what to do. If he’s into it, the result will be double the pleasure for both of you.

I just want to snuggle and cuddle with my husband all the time – and he doesn’t. We’ve been through a lot since we got engaged: his mother’s passing, several miscarriages, one child born with disabilities, his loss of a job among several other big issues and the everyday stuff that goes along with growing up, adulting and parenting. But I just want to snuggle into him and feel comforted by his physical presence.

At first, whenever I snuggled in, it would turn into a make-out session, one thing would lead to another, and we’d be getting intimate. But instead of the natural progression of that not happening, and us just snuggling, my husband started pushing me away. I didn’t notice at first because he masked it by getting up to use the washroom or get a drink.

But now it just feels hurtful. Why doesn’t my husband want to cuddle with me anymore?

Missing my hunky husband

I think your husband is feeling the weight of the world on his shoulders. It sounds as though a lot has happened in your lives since you two decided to get married. And all of it sounds completely out of your control. That can be overwhelming, frustrating and perhaps he’s feeling a sense of powerlessness.

I would strongly suggest he find a professional with whom to talk it all out. There has been a lot of loss in his life – from his mom to the babies to his job. Even though they are all VERY different, they are all losses and need to be worked through. He needs help wading through all the muck that those losses bring, to find the light in the living and his own life, and to see how leaning into you will benefit his mental health, yours, the children’s and your marriage.

I wish you only good things, happiness and health.

FEEDBACK Regarding the pedophile working with children (March 14):

Reader – “I find it hard to believe a person with an arrest record for pedophilia or sexual assault could be hired to work with children! In Ontario a vulnerable sector screening must be conducted if a person is going to work directly with children. This includes either volunteer coach or paid positions for any sport or school, or any type of place they will be left supervising children.

“Hopefully this isn’t some type of rumour that has now evolved into ‘fact’ and an innocent man’s name isn’t being destroyed. For both the sake of the parents AND in case it is false rumour, they should absolutely go to the general manager with their concerns, as you advised.”

Lisi – My understanding is that the person was arrested when the club was closed for the season, so he wasn’t hired with a record.