I don’t know what to do with some jewellery that was given to be by my ex-boyfriends – e.g. a diamond promise ring from my high school sweetheart, plus diamond earrings and a sapphire necklace and ring set from another boyfriend several years ago. My ex’es didn’t want these items back. While I was single, I wore them sometimes because they’re really pretty.
However, my fiancé doesn’t know about this jewellery. I know that he feels it’s inappropriate to wear it, because his friend’s girlfriend did this. He told me then that while other gifts from ex’es were okay to use, jewellery should never be worn again.
I haven’t worn it while we’ve been together. I don't want to sell it as I do feel some sentimental attachment to it, but it seems a waste for it to sit around in my drawer unused.
Friends say I should say my father had bought me these gifts but I hate to lie. I’d like to at least keep it and give the pieces to my children, but do you think this would be appropriate? Or should I just let go and trade them in for the money?
I’m afraid that once I tell my fiancé he will insist that I get rid of them.
Dear Readers: I’m interested to hear what YOU think about keeping and wearing jewellery given by ex’es.
My guess is that, if all the fiancé’s out there felt like this guy, women would band together and stage a strike to do as they wish with these keepsakes (which often came as “hard-earned” appreciation).
In the common case of divorce, many women eventually hand down their ex-husband’s gifts of jewellery to their children.
For “Bejeweled:” Be honest with your man and show him the items, explaining that they’re valuable and that you want to come to an agreeable plan about them. It’s unlikely he’ll comfortably accept that you feel “sentimental” about keeping them, and it’s evident you don’t want to upset him.
I suggest that you sell them and use the money to buy jewellery that you both choose together - unless you really need money for big-ticket items such as furniture you’ll use together.
If possible, your fiancé can add to the amount, to feel more a part of the purchase.
I’ve been happily married for 20 years and have been a good husband and father.
Problem: My wife won’t allow me to have female friends. She insists that men and women cannot be good friends without romance entering into it.
I have no problem with her having male friendships, but she won’t budge. She says she doesn’t trust women.
You’ve put up with this for 20 years, so why feel “confused?”
Your wife is clearly insecure about other women… perhaps there were past reasons for this, or it’s her general fear of other people “winning” over her.
If it’s becoming a bigger problem in your life, say so. Ask her to probe with you through joint counselling why she doesn’t trust others; or, if she actually distrusts YOU, she needs to explain why.
But if she still won’t change, you need to weigh how important this is in your marriage.
I suspect there may be other control issues from her, and you may be at a crossroads of accepting that behaviour or telling her there’s more to discuss than female friends.
My brother quit a company after four years because, when promoted to a new position, he wasn’t properly trained and was constantly being put down by his boss, even though he’d work late and through lunch.
A better opportunity arose. But his new boss who’s training him is belittling him publicly for working slow.
He’s coming home feeling anxious and depressed.
Why do bosses feel they can talk to their employees like that?
- Sad Sibling
Not all bosses are boorish, but some don’t handle new workers’ slowness or weak skills well.
Your brother should try to disarm this supervisor by seeking help from him/her as the “expert.” He should ask for any known ways to improve his production, how to learn better skills, what further training he can seek.
A boss who sees genuine interest will usually relax and allow a new employee time to catch on to the new job.
Tip of the day:
A gem from the past can be too glittery to hang onto, if it disturbs your new partner.