When my girlfriend was young, her mother was in a car accident. She ended up on disability pay and addicted to painkillers, with my girlfriend helping raise her younger siblings.

While we were at university, her parents ran into financial troubles. Her mother, who paid the bills, hid their worst problems from her husband and borrowed from relatives to cover the interests on their debts.

My girlfriend worked hard all throughout university and paid her own way. But her mother borrowed from her, too.

Now, after finishing graduate school, her parents are still in debt, her mother still asks for money; it’s caused fights between them with her mother yelling at her, and it’s affected our relationship.

She claims that her father doesn’t know that her mother’s been borrowing from her. She fears he might get violent if he knew how bad their financial troubles really are (there’s one long-ago recorded incident of abuse).

My girlfriend won’t confront her parents, and still loves her family deeply despite being taken advantage of.

I’m considering proposing an ultimatum - that it’s either her family or me.

- Disgusted On Her Behalf

An ultimatum is the last thing she needs from you. She’s under enough pressure, and undoubtedly realizes that she can’t go on supporting this situation.

What she needs is your emotional support, plus objective financial advice from a professional such as a banker or credit counsellor.

No doubt she’s in turmoil – having been handed the mothering role so young, she feels responsible to protect both parents even with money problems beyond her ability to solve.

Asking her to choose would be ruinous to your relationship. You have to choose her, if you want to stay together and help her slowly shift responsibility back to her parents.

My mother died when I was a young teen; I’m now in my30s.

I used to have a close relationship with Mom's side of the family, yet for quite a few years, my sister and I and our families do not get invited to any of their family functions. We find this very hurtful.

If Grandma has an appointment, she’ll call for a ride.

Why are we considered family to do these tasks, but not considered when it comes to family get-togethers?

I recently invited Grandma to a family dinner, but she said my aunt was having dinner for “everyone” on another date. I was not invited!

When I see my relatives, they’re very friendly, so I know I haven’t done anything wrong. I invite them for a visit, but they rarely come.

Should we concentrate on family members who love us enough to include us, and consider Mom’s family a thing of the past? I guess Mom was the glue that held us together.

- Left Out

Yes, sometimes one person is the family “glue” and others fall away when she’s gone.

Speak to one of the aunts and explain how you and your sister feel. It may be these relatives have loose ties between all of them and hadn’t purposefully meant to exclude you two.

Or, they may be a colder lot than you once knew, when your Mom kept them together.

Since there’s another side who show affection and include you, there’s no huge risk in letting these people know you’d like closer contact and watching what happens.

If nothing changes, well, you can emulate your Mom’s warmth and apply the “glue” among the side of the family that cares.

I had a same-sex partner for two years. During a break, she was involved with a man.

Back together, I discovered through her webpage that they’d become engaged while she and I were still together.

They’re now married. I’d given her thousands in financial support, as well as emotional support for her many “problems.”

I recently spoke to her about her deceit and she refused to admit any wrongdoing.

I’m greatly embittered at being deliberately lied to, used, and cheated on.

Besides therapy, how can I get over this?

- Abused

Don’t avoid seeking therapy, as a skilled counsellor will help you deal not only with what happened in this relationship, but with how to better assess new people and improve your approach to potential partners.

Focus, too, on your own free will: YOU get to choose how long you’ll let this heartless woman hamper your life. Be happy she’s gone.