During ten years with my boyfriend, I've grown attached to his daughter, 15. She's so smart, beautiful, outgoing, and can do anything she tries.

Her mother had a serious drug habit and left when her daughter was five - in and out of her life until three years ago, when she moved into our same apartment building.

My 'step-daughter' and I don't have a strong relationship, and she knows I don't approve of some of her mother and father's parenting choices, but I love her very much.

My boyfriend feels she's old enough to smoke pot and drink. We forever argue about this. I know she's not mine but it hurts me to watch this happen.

The girl and her friends now hang out at her mom's place, and drink and get high together. My boyfriend says I'm old fashioned and too strict. It's pushing us apart. Am I overreacting? Should I move on?

Stressed Out 

What matters most is that you care about the girl. There's a young person's whole lifetime worth, for you to encourage other attitudes in HER.

Instead of voicing only disapproval, focus on her strengths. Since she's outgoing, take her out with you to places where she sees people involved in healthy social behaviour.... a sports or music event, a community happening, etc. Show pride in her, and interest in how she's doing in school, plus possibilities for her future.

Your boyfriend may be influenced by your approach. If not, it's unlikely you'll last together, your core values are very different.

Even if you two separate, she'll need your supportive contact.

My boyfriend of nine months is deeply connected emotionally with me, intelligent, and very hard working. He's been divorced for 17 years, has a daughter 18. The parents were together five years.

His ex calls four to five times a day from 8:00am with her daily to-do list for him. He suddenly cancels dates with me because his daughter calls him to drive her places. Recently, he went on a week's golf trip with the guys, planning to come straight to my place upon returning. His ex called with a non-urgent story, and he cancelled our evening.

I don't want to be enmeshed in the ex's dramas for the next 20 years. He feels stuck with her because of the daughter, who brags she forced him to give up his favourite sport when she was age eight!

Therapists are involved but are being threatened and manipulated by the ex and daughter through ongoing, escalating dramas.

My man is 59 and physically, emotionally, and financially whipped by an out-of-control, abusive daughter. Can you help us?

Desperate

Read your last paragraph, together. Repeat to each other, out loud.

Only you two can change this situation, and it starts with him. Your part rests with deciding how long you're willing to wait for him to take charge of his life.

Devotion to a child is admirable. Accepting manipulation by her is foolish. It lessens their caring for each other and breeds mutual disrespect, even if he continues to respond to her demands.

Therapists can only help if he's willing to truly help himself and his daughter by setting boundaries, sticking to them, and not caving in the face of dramatic outbursts and pleas.

As for his ex, he has no further obligation than whatever financial ones are in place, and basic civility. He must cut the emotional tie she uses to manipulate him and his time.

I'm a male, late-20s, feeling anxious for several years. My mother knows she's the centre of our family as my father has no hobbies, no close friends, and may soon be laid off. My married sister's divorced and also leans on my mother a lot. My old friends have moved on with their lives. I'm worried that my mom's getting overwhelmed with all our burdens.

Heavy Load

Your anxieties are making you worry about your mother, when instead, you should be pro-active about getting professional help for yourself.

Your mother may be strong enough to listen to the family's troubles, but she cannot change everyone's lives. However, each of you can do something to move forward.

See your doctor to check for any medical reason for your anxious state, and get referred to a therapist who'll provide strategies to deal with these feelings. Medication and/or behaviour modification can both be effective.