My teenage son came home from a party recently and had alcohol on his breath. It was before his curfew, and my husband and I were both up watching TV. We asked him to tell us about the party, hoping he would share that he drank.

He did, but it wasn’t what we expected to hear. He was peer pressured by his girlfriend because she wanted to drink as well. He thought it would be smarter if one of them stayed sober, but she insisted he partake. He was able to manage his intake, but since this was his first time, he was more drunk than he wanted to be without ingesting a lot. She kept going, vomited everywhere, passed out and needed to be picked up.

He wasn’t with her because she had told him she was going to the bathroom, and it all happened in there. No one thought to find him. And her phone was in a friend’s purse, on silent.

He’s so upset about his girlfriend; her parents are angry with him because they feel he didn’t look after her; and his friends are giving him the gears.

How can we help him navigate this situation without getting too involved?

First Time

I commend your parenting for talking to your son and letting him tell you about his night. You didn’t mention his age, but clearly, he’s under legal drinking age. You’re obviously aware that MANY teenagers try alcohol before they’re legally allowed, and you were OK with that – enough that the story wasn’t about him drinking. He is also a responsible boy (thanks to good parenting) and didn’t want to get drunk.

I believe he should go over to his girlfriend’s house to check on her and talk to her. She should be telling her parents the whole story, which would recuse him from their allegations. He did try to take care of her; she went deeper than he would have liked, and it affected him.

As for his friends, I’m not sure if they’re giving him the gears for getting drunk off one drink, or not drinking enough, or why. This is unclear to me. But that will dissipate quickly. From my experience, boys don’t usually hang on to the little things.

I am part of a large group of friends. One of the ladies in our group is forever sending text messages after we get together, apologizing for her behaviour. For the most part, she has nothing to apologize for.  She has this idea that she offends people. Yes, sometimes she can be quite opinionated and vocal, and this escalates the more she drinks, but she is not offensive.

What’s disappointing is that if she truly is sorry for behaving in a way which she feels is inappropriate, she continues. I believe it is rooted in a real lack of confidence. Is there an appropriate way to address this with her?

Forever apologetic

You are probably correct that this woman is extremely insecure and lacking in self-confidence. Depending on how close you two are, you could make some suggestions to her, privately. For example, plan to speak the morning after your next get-together, to debrief. She can run it by you whether she needs to send an apologetic text. You can discuss everything with her and show her why it would be unnecessary (or necessary, depending).

But you may not want to take on that role. Or take it on this time and get someone else to take it on the next time. If she’s your friend, then she’ll appreciate your candour – and your advice. It could be very helpful for her.

Of course, she may benefit from speaking with a therapist.

FEEDBACK Regarding the kissing cousin (May 22):

Reader – “Outing someone's sexuality is never OK, especially to their family members. Sexuality is confusing, complex and scary at times, and everyone's journey is unique.

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Lisi – It was never about her sexuality. It’s about cheating on her husband.

FEEDBACK Regarding Misinterpreted (May 26):

Reader – “How much effort do we owe to 'friends' who constantly show themselves to have characteristics that are unappealing? Although we shy away from saying it, regrettably there are folks around who are negative, intensely insecure or even bitter. Is it the job of a friend to be a therapist to such people when the chances of some turnarounds are near zero?

“Make an effort, yes, but eventually such persons are a vexation to the spirit and should be avoided.”