Why are men in their 40s and 50s so needy?

I’m 42, divorced and on my own for the past ten years. My son is away at college.

I’m busy with full-time work, a widowed mother who needs visits, and my women friends.

I thought I was ready for dating, but I keep meeting men who decide they’re in love by the second date and want to make serious plans.

One even asked me to move into his house on the first date!

They say it’s because I’m “beautiful and so nice,” but I’m uncomfortable because even if they seem nice, I think they’re ridiculous to have serious feelings so soon.

It seems like they need someone to take care of them.

Or am I stupid, and all they really want is sex?

Ridiculous Proposals

You obviously have attractive qualities, but you’re also smarter than those men realized.

Your limited sample of men in that age group did indicate a rush to secure a girlfriend, and yes, of course that means sex right away.

No need for a long getting-to-know-you stretch of talking, wooing, or paying for dinners out.

Flatter a good candidate right away, and there are homemade meals and sex a lot sooner… or so those particular men seemed to think.

Needy? Well some men are. So are some women, as evidenced by the numbers who’ve written me of their disappointment that early dating didn’t arouse an equally early commitment from the guys.

Perhaps by age 40s and 50s, there are plenty of people in both sexes who want companionship and love, but don’t want the “work” involved in building a relationship of respect and trust.

They’re in a hurry to just be settled with someone.

But it’s a foolish rush and you’re wise enough to recognize that reality.

It’d be a rare but risky situation if you’d responded similarly, packed your bag, and attached yourself to one of those men’s little-known lives.

Keep dating positively, but look for the man with the growing, not fastest, interest in you.

 

My best friend and her husband just had their first baby, a son.

My friend’s over the moon, but there’s a dark shadow on her happiness.

Her husband doesn’t talk to his family (two brothers, sisters-in-law, their kids, and his divorced mother). They all live here in town.

My friend says she doesn’t fully understand the reason, but she can’t cross him on this. He’s been distanced from them since his mom’s divorce from his stepfather. His father died when he was young.

My friend’s parents visited for two week before the birth and two weeks after, but they live across the country.

Should she contact her husband’s mom?

No Baby Welcome

Not now. It’s the wrong time to be at odds with her husband, even though she doesn’t understand his attitude towards his family.

Friends like you are important now for support. She needs to focus on her own well being and that of her infant.

But there’ll come a time when her husband’s isolation must be confronted. Because it extends unfairly to his wife and son.

Something affected him deeply. His response is over-the-top, so the cause needs to be explained.

Otherwise, other perceived upsets may cause him to withdraw from her parents, other relatives, and friends, even his wife.

He likely needs therapy to face up to the situation, his reaction, and how it affects others.

Your friend will eventually have to raise this suggestion, for his sake, as well as for his own family’s stability.

My husband and I separated three months ago. We sold our house to pay off big debts.

I have a good job, so I pay daily expenses for my twin sons and myself. My father pays for our two-bedroom apartment.

My husband was laid off five months ago and can barely afford his smaller place.

We’re sharing custody and getting along better than before. He hopes we can resume our marriage.

But he says we’ll never work things out if I keep leaning on my father’s help.

Is he right?

Uncertain Times

It’s hard for a marriage to thrive when it depends on a parent’s involvement.

But if this break is helping you two relate differently, insist to both men that this is a short-term loan, only. Mean it.

Use that time to discuss your issues, including the need for relying on each other. Look for marital counselling through your work or a community agency.