I met a very wonderful person on a dating website. Then quickly realized that website wasn’t for me, so after exchanging numbers with my dream date, I cancelled my profile.
We’ve been talking through text for two months, have been on seven dates, and I even met her two kids.
Problems: 1) On physical interaction, it’s a side hug at the date’s end. She’s very shy and leaves no opportunity for a small kiss. 2) She still has a profile on a dating website.
There’s no foul play here because we’re not exclusive. She keeps accepting my date requests, which would indicate that she likes me. Or am I in the friend zone?
Seven dates with guarded affection are a thoughtful beginning. She’s shy, a mom of two children, and isn’t about to fling herself into your arms.
While it’s possible that she currently sees you as a friend, that’s not a rejection.
If she were to close her website profile, she’d be making a move to only date you and she hasn’t decided that, yet.
Basically, it’s still early dating and she’s taking it slow.
Give her a few more weeks, and then ask her feelings outright with a gentle introduction.
Try this: “I’ve really enjoyed our dates and would like to be more connected by being exclusive, with both of us off all dating sites to see how it goes.”
Her answer will tell you more about her feelings, and perhaps about her natural concerns, too.
I’m constantly pushing my to-do list always for later, yet I do really well in both my personal and professional lives.
I’ve been constantly recognized as a hard worker who delivers quality work. But, sometimes, I also feel as if I’m fooling everyone.
I’ve had no problems moving jobs, being promoted and getting raises but I think that, if I had more initiative, I could be at a higher position in my career. Yet I’m happy where I am now.
At home, cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids are part of my life, and I don't need to be nagged about them.
I’ve actually often benefited from not acting on things, such as when things just "fix themselves".
Is there help for people like me so I procrastinate less? I'd like to keep moving forward. As the kids grow up, I know it’ll get busier and that life will demand a lot more of me.
I'd also like to understand: Am I just lazy, and could just change my attitude, or is being a procrastinator something deeper, harder to fix?
Lazy, Procrastinator or both?
You describe a very mild form of the so-called “imposter” syndrome – worrying that people will think you’re “faking it” at work when you get things done, even though you put them off.
Somewhere in the midst of all your achievements and steady handling of responsibilities, you still have some low self-esteem about what you could be doing better.
It’s not a mental disorder, but it is a psychological pattern you’d do well to try and overcome, simply because it preoccupies your mind unnecessarily.
As Gina Barreca, Professor of English and Feminist Theory at the University of Connecticut, wrote in Psychology Today, about feeling “like a phony, an imposter and a fake: You can Stop:”
“Therapy helps. Honesty helps. Facing your emotions helps. What really helps is when you stop pretending to accept your immeasurable imperfections, and actually accept them.”
FEEDBACK Regarding the couple with children whose friends either don’t have their own kids or won’t vacation with this family even if they do (March 7):
Reader – “Wow, the ego of this letter writer!!! I'm not sure at all why this person refers to the others as their "friends.” In no way, shape, or form does the writer speak about them as a friend would!
“There seems to be a lot of contempt for their childless friends, or for the friendship preferences of the children of their friends, or for families who choose different ways to relax!
“This letter-writer should take a hard look in the mirror to see if he and his wife can find some measure of compassion and caring for their supposed "friends" and actually act towards them like true, accepting friends.
“Otherwise, the couple should walk away from those so-called friendships, as the other couples (and their children) deserve better people in their lives.”
Tip of the day:
Forgoing intimacy in very early dating doesn’t signal rejection. It’s sometimes just about getting to know one another.