From the start of our 18-months’ relationship, she’d break up with me for reasons that didn’t seem common or reasonable.
It started with me telling her that she was acting ignorant. She broke up with me then.
Another time, it was when I hung up on her.
Next, she ended it because I didn't say “sorry” to her when I should have.
She broke up with me five more times after that. Each time, we were able to work things out and get back together.
However, she recently ended it, saying that I’d disrespected her for the last time.
She’d been trying to plan the weekend for us to spend time together. Our phone discussion turned into an argument about whether I was to pick her up on Friday at her house.
But I live close to her job and tried to convince her to just pack clothes and drive five minutes from work to my apartment.
She insisted that I drive an hour to her house so we can return to my place. Things got heated and I raised my voice. She said that she was no longer going to stand me being disrespectful and yelling over the phone. She then ended the relationship.
Do you think she was being reasonable about the situation or could this have been worked on and resolved in a more mature manner?
In Love and Hopeless
The answer is Yes, mature people can work out reasonable solutions to small problems.
But not you two.
From the description of your very early break-ups, when you called your girlfriend ignorant, and then when you hung up on her, she knew you weren’t ready for a respectful relationship. She was wrong to try again.
In this later argument, you were both unreasonable. She clearly wanted to go home after work, and get ready for what would apparently have been a romantic weekend together, starting at your place.
You didn’t want to drive an hour to make that happen. Neither yielded.
If you’re truly “in love,” stop being “hopeless” and tell her you want to learn how to show her your love. It must start with respecting her person (“ignorant” is an extreme insult), willingness to listen to her reasoning about something, and the ability to compromise.
Without those efforts, getting back together will remain hopeless.
FEEDBACK Regarding a family’s assumption that a female visitor to their confused male relative is after his money (March 6):
Reader – “When this man was cognitively intact, he moved far away from family.
“There’s no mention of how long ago he’s been friendly with the woman. No indication that he’s objecting to her visits, or that she’s being abusive to him.
“Just because someone’s suffering from Dementia/Alzheimers’ disease doesn’t mean the family gets to delete current friends and replace them with paid care.
“Having been a nurse for 30 years, I believe the family are the ones who are interested in his money and property, not the person who’s sitting by his side and keeping him company.
“I’ve seen many situations where family is missing until their relative become vulnerable.
“Then they swoop in to take over money and property and delete the people that were there all along.”
Ellie – You present a very real possibility of dangers to people on their own, whose memory and cognition diminish, and family or others “swoop” in.
In this case, there was some information that indicated more monetary interests from the visiting woman, which I left out, to avoid identifiers.
I feel that I’m not good enough for my partner of two-to-three years, because he’d rather look at pictures/videos and satisfy himself instead of with me.
He says that’s all I think about, while he’s not interested in sex, he wants a relationship.
We only have sex when he wants it, never when I do.
Why would he do that? If I get upset about it he freaks out and yells at me.
At A Loss
The minute you start accepting that you’re “not good enough” for someone, you’re in the wrong relationship.
Sex can be enjoyed in many ways, when both partners consent and are comfortable with it.
But your guy calls the shots, does what he wants his way, puts you down for objecting and makes excuses that he’s the one all about a “relationship.”
Fact: He’s controlling and selfish. If you fear his reaction, make a safe plan to leave him.
Tip of the day:
No relationship thrives where insults, disrespect, and immaturity divide both parties.