My daughter has just come out as wanting to transition. She has chosen her new name, has shown us how she would like to dress, and cut her hair. She says we are allowed to refer to her as our daughter and address her with female pronouns. For now. But she’d like us to start transitioning also to recognizing her as a male.

Rationally, I know I can handle this, though I also know it will take time getting used to. Emotionally, I’m going to have a tougher time, simply because I’ve had 14 years with this child of mine and of course, the future has entered my thoughts and our discussions.

But the whole thing seems so improbable and uncharacteristic for her. She was always such a dainty little girl, obsessed with her daddy, but also very into Mommy. She preferred more feminine clothing than I regularly wore, loved playing with makeup, which I barely wear, and was constantly fussing with her hair. She loves to dance, especially ballet, and was obsessed with her tutu and ballet slippers.

My bigger concern is her father and how he’s going to manage. He’s very traditional and has a special relationship with his “little girl.” I’m not sure how he’s going to transition all his emotions. He’s also a very private guy and won’t want to talk about this with our family and friends until necessary.

Do you have any suggestions?

Transitioning

The definition of transition is to undergo a process, which infers a passage of time, as opposed to a sudden change. When a human born as one gender chooses to change their outward physical characteristics to the gender they identify with, the process is referred to as transitioning. And it takes time.

Your daughter seems to understand this and isn’t forcing you to change instantly. She seems to understand that it will take you time to accept, or just refer to, her as him. What an incredible human you have raised!

Be proud of your child and support them to the best of your ability. Look for a  family therapist in your area. Your husband, like you, will likely need time. But again, the person inside the skin and bones is the same child you have loved all these years. Nothing has changed there.

I strongly suggest that now that your daughter has opened the door to this conversation, you dive deeper and find someone for her to talk to. Not to dissuade her, just to give her the space to marinate in her decision and make the right choice for her.

I just turned 16 and have no interest in getting my license. Why is that a big deal to everyone?

No car

It isn’t a big deal, depending on your why. Are you really just not interested? Or are you afraid? If the latter, that’s OK. You may just want to explore why you are afraid. Facing our fears is important for our growth.

At 16, choosing not to drive isn’t that out of the ordinary or such a bad idea. Though I got my license at 16, having another year or two to mature would probably decrease the number of accidents on the road involving young drivers. Don’t give in to peer pressure. Do what feels right for you.

FEEDBACK Regarding stuck between a bonfire and a blazing disaster (Dec. 5):

Reader – “Your advice to this man is the absolute worst thing to do! Why? Because anything can happen to naturally terminate this unwanted pregnancy. But (with your advice) the cat is out of the bag. He and she should take this secret to their graves! If it should all surface, then.... well, they will have to deal with it but for the betterment of ALL concerned, MUMS THE WORD!”

Lisi – I disagree. This secret will eat them alive. Hoping for a natural termination will also eat you alive.

Reader #2 – “Did it ever occur to this man that his sister-in-law probably had sex with her husband around the same time?

Has he talked to her and asked what she was going to do?

Why risk letting one mistake turn into two if the baby is not his?”