I’m 44, male, married for 22 years, and just ended my first affair. It was with my boss. I knew I should stop it, but the decision was mostly intellectual.
I knew it was wrong but I didn't feel bad. I was shocked at my behaviour … it was like I was watching myself from outside my body.
I thought I had morals. Now I don't know. I’m feeling an overwhelming urge to do it again. I started trolling websites that offer casual encounters. The first affair was with someone I knew and admired; now I'm seeking casual hook-ups.
I think I’m looking for a thrill but I have very little insight into what I’m doing. I fear going to a counsellor. I went to one previously because of depression and my discussions were disclosed in an injury lawsuit in which I was involved.
I’m marching towards a bad decision but don't seem able to stop myself.
- On the Prowl
Some people look for trouble without realizing it. However, you’re almost proud of it, and of defying the odds that say you’ll surely get caught cheating, likely “troll” yourself into a sexually-transmitted disease or dangerous encounter, and undoubtedly devastate your wife and any kids.
You don’t want to learn what’s really driving you, because you’d rather play the irresponsible cad role than face up to a “mid-life crisis,” or disappointments in your life.
No, that would take real work, such as being honest with your spouse about marital problems, or a stalled career, or financial difficulties, all of which require the strength of character and integrity that have gone missing from you.
Get back to reality, and deal with what’s really wrong.
I’m a married woman having a platonic affair with a married man: At first, we only spoke by phone, always about sex and him wanting me. This went on for years.
Then, he said that he couldn’t go through with it and just wanted to be friends. Recently, however, he dared me to give him oral sex; I did it to please him and to prove that I could.
It happened again and again. I took him up on the affair because my husband and I aren’t sexually active and I miss the physical contact.
My friend doesn’t want to go to a hotel for fear of being seen. He had a previous affair and got caught. But sometimes he says he’d have no problem going away for the weekend. I don’t know what to make of this. I think I’m in love with him, but I feel he’s taking me for granted.
Should I call it quits or wait for him to come around?
Read the first question and recognize that, even with the excuse of a non-sexual marriage, you’re fooling yourself that this affair is an okay solution. Here’s why it’s not:
Your guy is a cheater, period; there’ll be others after you (and maybe during). Also, If you want to stay married, the honest thing to do is discuss the lack of sex with Hubby and see if you can resolve it, or come to some mutual agreement about how to carry on, or part.
Your oral sex challenge sounds like the kind of schoolyard dare parents hope their early teens will have enough self-respect to laugh off. But this not-so-platonic affair has you looking the fool. End it.
My boyfriend and I are both late-30s; we dated for five years, broke up for three, re-connected six months ago. I keep hearing negative stuff about his sister and mother disliking me.
I sent his sister beautiful sweaters for her newborn months ago, and received no thanks. Meanwhile, my boyfriend’s been welcomed with open arms by my warm loving parents. If we get married I’ll have cold-hearted in-laws. Should I hold on or give up?
Probe your boyfriend about what he said about you in the past. If he portrayed the break-up as being all your fault, and if he badmouthed you, it’s up to him to repair that damage and say he was wrong.
He must stress his love for you and insist they now show a warm welcome. But if his family’s basic nature is icy, either expect nothing more or decide now whether that’s a deal-breaker.
Tip of the day:
When it comes to relationships, it’d be more valuable to spend Boxing Day adding up your blessings and acknowledging your flaws, than searching for bargains.