Our daughter, 40, with two children, is getting divorced. We still love our son-in-law. She initiated the divorce, but we don't understand what her stated need for "freedom" means.

We've suggested they go to counselling, but she refused. What can we do?

Concerned

Start by listening, instead of judging. There may be elements to her marriage that you don't know. Raise questions, without expecting answers, to provoke her own thinking.

Example: Is this related to being 40 and feeling she's missing things she should've done in the past? Are there ways she can try to accomplish this, without first splitting the family, with all that entails, for the children and financially?

If she remains determined to go ahead, suggest that for her own sake, she gets individual counselling. Explain that, no matter how much she wants it, divorce is a wrenching process for everyone involved and she'll benefit greatly from having a therapist help her through it.

Meanwhile, stay connected to your son-in-law but do NOT give your daughter the feeling you take his side.... that could lead to estrangement by her, and affect your relationship with your grandchildren who need you most now.

My father's 84, his wife died a year ago. Dad's now seeing a woman, 48. He says they're just friends, but I'm leery. She sells cosmetics and has enlisted his help, as he knows everyone in town. He isn't paid.

He also runs errands for her while she's traveling. She gave him power of attorney and the key to her house, supposedly to get to the cosmetics if anyone orders while she's gone.

It's all one-sided with him doing for her. As well, I fear she'll say she trusted him with her power of attorney, so he can trust her with his!

Dad also has two homeless people living with him whom he's supporting. They've been there a couple of years. For awhile, their kids, grandkids, and two dogs were living there too, with my dad supporting them all.

He doesn't keep up his house, showers only occasionally, and wears the same clothes for days. When does a relative step in? My husband tells me it's nothing, and "MYOB."

I'm five hours away, but visit him frequently and talk with him daily. He's very defensive about all his decisions and politely told us to butt out when we approached the subject of the homeless people.

Worrisome Moves?

Regarding the woman - it's NOT one-sided, because she's made him feel needed, to her life and business.

On the power of attorney - get legal information and explain to him the implications of getting too involved, e.g. what he'd be responsible for, say, if she couldn't pay her bills. And what she could take over if she had P of A over him... even throw out his houseguests if she chose.

Regarding his homeless people - his support has gone on a long time, so proceed carefully. You need to know if they're exploiting him (i.e. could manage on their own).

The time to "step in" WAS or is, when a close person notices very changed behaviour. That's when to somehow get him to have a medical check-up to determine whether a physical or mental change is affecting him. If yes, you'll need to find legal means to protect him.

If there's nothing found, you still should say that you're concerned about him and want to be sure he can afford his great generosity. Stay in close touch. Without controlling him, he IS your business to care about.

FEEDBACK Regarding the woman who didn't want her husband's cousin and girlfriend as houseguests again, because of their dogs (Oct. 13):

Reader - "It's completely irresponsible and presumptuous of a dog owner to show up to a house knowing small children live there and then DEMAND that the kids be kept away from their dog. It's one thing to ask visitors to watch their children around your dog in your own home, but you don't go to someone's house and then tell them how to parent their children, or what their kids should or shouldn't do.

"Yes, it's the parents' job to watch their kids, however since it's their home, they shouldn't have to worry for an entire weekend about their children being bitten by an uninvited dog.

"Does it have to come to the children being bitten to finally call the cousin and his girlfriend presumptuous and rude guests?"