My daughter was five, my son seven, when my ex and I separated. We live blocks apart; the kids went from house to house every couple of days on a regular schedule. We were actively involved with both children.

At 14, my daughter admitted stealing money at home over many months. She began to fall out of the routine, missing a day, then a week, then a month.

I realized what was happening too late. Not that I had any idea what to do. By the end of high school I was seeing her perhaps four times a year with no contact by email or phone.

Her answer to why she's withdrawn - "I don't know." My suggestion to see a counsellor was rejected. She's now 19, and when we do see each other, we're strangers.

Through her brother I believe that she's sad about the situation. Me too. I have no idea what to do.

Lost Connection

Never stop wanting to reconnect, that's what your daughter needs to know and believe. Keep sending that message through emails, but do NOT pressure her.

Write her your memories of some past good times and about interesting things going on that you'd like to share with her. Get any help or insight that you can, from her mother.

If you have another partner, make sure your daughter knows that you hope to get together with her alone, she doesn't have to instantly meld into a different family scene.

You'd benefit from talking to a therapist to learn other strategies to reach out to her, and also to learn how to accept estrangement if it continues.

A childhood friend and I became close friends again after 15 years apart. He had feelings for me for awhile, but I didn't reciprocate until 18 months later, getting to know him better. Love hit me unexpectedly, like a ton of bricks.

But when I revealed that I wanted to give a romantic relationship a chance, he got scared and said he wasn't ready. I felt crushed and misled.

I decided we couldn't be friends, as I don't want to hope for something that may never happen. I haven't seen him since that day he broke my heart.

He's asked to see me because he wants to talk and he misses "the friendship." A part of me thinks he's just lonely.

Another part thinks he'll hurt me all over again. But sometimes I feel he wouldn't reach out to me after two years if he didn't have feelings.

I've refused to see him. I don't want to stir things up again. So I've decided to cut off ALL contact, as I know that this is the right thing to do, even though my heart says otherwise.

Uncertain Decision

You agonize that he broke your heart, yet for 18 months you were breaking his by not responding to his feelings. It's a tale of crossed lovers, with each being so scared to get hurt, that you've both been missing the main chance.

Unless you simply can't handle rejection of any sort, I suggest you initiate a risk-all talk with him, in person. Ask him: If he did have feelings, why did he get so scared? If he doesn't have them now, what's the point of a "friendship" that's outlived its time?

If he's not interested in a romantic future, you then stop all contact. If he is, you both can work on getting "ready" now.

FEEDBACK Two views on the letter about a difficult daughter-in-law relationship (Nov. 5):

Reader #1 - "I don't have a good relationship with my DIL and it's stressed the relationship I have with my son. My daughter's in a serious relationship and I tell her that I hope she treats her boyfriend's mother with respect, and to remember that the relationship this woman has with her son is as important to her as the relationship my daughter has with me."

Reader #2 - "I'm a mother-in-law and make it my motto to mind my own business and not interfere in their lives. I don't ask personal questions.

"I have a good relationship with them and we respect each other's privacy. When children get married there should be no apron strings, and if there are, it's time to cut them. Their spouse should always come first, not their mother or father."