The following is addressed to a woman who asked this column’s readers to respond to how some of you moved on from losses in love, renewed self-esteem, and stopped seeking further dependency (February 6).

Reader #1 - “A list of critically important steps to “moving on:”

“No. 1 - Stop using sex to attract people to "help" you overcome your losses of a married man who was in a "loveless marriage" (very old line), and a man who didn't want to be your partner but was willing to have sex with you.

“Both of these relationships were doomed from the start.

“No. 2 - It takes time to grieve any loss – whether end of a marriage, death of a child, parent, or close friend. Stop looking for another person to distract you from feeling and mourning your loss.

“No. 3 - Take this time to reflect on yourself and your actions. If someone left you - a husband, boyfriend, long-time friend - ask yourself why. What did you do to contribute to their leaving? Please don't say “nothing.”… instead, reflect further:

“What can you change/improve about yourself to keep it from happening again?  If it was a death, go to a support group where you can talk about why this is so hard for you. You need to do the work yourself to get over this.

“No. 4 - What are you giving to any potential new person in your life? You wrote: "I now need someone who will hang in - someone in my corner. Isn’t a relationship including the ups and downs? I want love in my life and a sense of belonging."

“Read this again. It sounds mighty self-serving to me. YOU want someone who will be there for you, YOU want someone to be there for YOUR ups and downs. YOU want love and a sense of belonging.

“There's nothing wrong with wanting all those things, but this sounds a lot like a one-way street. What about the other person?

“Try saying "I’m the person who’ll hang in for someone and be in their corner. I want to be there for their ups and downs. I want to make someone feel loved and like they belong."

“As for "I’ve been alone for too long and worry about what’s going to happen to me, as I’m getting older,”…. Please, just STOP wanting other people to look after you.

“There are lots of mature women living alone - widowed, divorced, never married. None of them whom I know are as needy as you sound. And needy isn't an attractive characteristic.

“My “credentials?” The year my brother died (in his 50s) and my mother was in and out of hospital, my husband left me and our teenage kids for a woman he'd met only weeks before.

“You bet I grieved. But I also examined my part in all of this and, hopefully, came out of it a better person.

“I also decided that this was not going to be the thing that defined me for the rest of my life.

“I was alone, raising two kids, but I took that as a challenge, not an insurmountable obstacle. When I was ready (almost two years later), I started looking for someone to share my life.”

Ellie – Solid advice, based on courage and determination to handle a tough situation, while bringing realistic personal assessment to the solutions.

We can all learn from this reader’s list of self-help steps.

Reader #2 – “It appears to me that you’re reacting to a need to feel secure and significant in this time of your life.

“You’ve experienced recent losses and that has to be the worst time to go looking for another relationship.

“Right now, it seems that your criteria for a partner is solely based on loneliness and desperation, and this is never a good starting point when meeting new people.

“Men are not idiots, they pick up on vibes of desperation in women, and if they feel they’re being used to fill some void, i.e., only there to fill your loneliness, they will probably not give you a second chance.

“Good relationships originate out of mutual competencies and interests, not unfulfilled and incomplete past relationships.

“Get some counselling through this difficult time to help you make relationship connections based on better criteria than just filling your immediate needs.”