I have very strong feelings for this wonderful girl, and we’ve been talking for several months.

My close friend also has feelings for her and I think I should just let him have her. Yet I don't want to give up on her.

I'm not sure which one of us she’s into, but I'm assuming him.

The High Road

You won’t deserve this wonderful girl if you don’t have the confidence or care enough to speak up for yourself.

So far you have a nice friendship with her. If you discover that she has feelings for your close buddy, she can still be your friend.

But if you wait around, dither over her unknown choice, or back off to give him a chance, then she’ll never look at you differently.

She may even be disappointed and hurt that you didn’t pursue something more with her.

Start the conversation, saying how much you enjoy getting to know her. Suggest that you do something together beyond just talking – hanging out, go for coffee, etc.

You’ll know from her reaction whether you have the inside track towards a relationship.

 

I’m a widowed gay man and finally went on an online dating site recently. My life partner died three years ago. I’m mid-60s so was surprised to hear from a man of 42.

I was flattered because he said that I looked much younger than my age and appeared fit, as well as attractive.

Also, I live in Vancouver and he lives in Florida, so it wasn’t conducive to dating in person.

But he tried to sweep all my hesitation aside, saying he was already very interested in me.

Part of me enjoyed the communication; I’ve been very lonely (I was with my partner for 30 years, we married six years ago).

But I was also wary. He’d said he was born and raised in Sweden, so I told him I was going to cook meatballs that night and asked how to say “meatballs” in Swedish.

He then said he was late for an appointment and would text me back later with the translation.

Swedish meatballs are pretty common fare, so I was pretty sure he’d lied about his background.

There’ve been other red flags – like after two weeks of email and text he said he “missed” me when I was too busy to respond for a day.

His phone line when we talk is always full of static (from Florida?) and his accent sounds unlike Swedish or American.

I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop – e.g. a story about wanting to come see me but needing a cheque for the air fare and travel expenses because he’s just paid out a lot in his business, etc.

But I admit I’m having some fun with this connection. It’s been about a month since it started.

When is it time for me to tell him I don’t believe a word, but thanks and goodbye?

Foolish Fun

End it now. Every minute that your email is open to a scammer provides time for searches through all your contacts, and online accounts, such as banking.

Equally important, you need to shut down any emotional interest in this guy who’s playing you cleverly with flattery, a build-up of interest, the slow reeling you in…

He chose you on purpose, knowing that your age difference and loss of a partner makes you vulnerable. Also, the image of an established senior means dollar signs to a scammer.

Stop contact immediately.

FEEDBACK Regarding the woman looking for love after two losses (Feb. 6):

Reader - “I've been separated and divorced for six and a half years, not dating. For me, the most important thing to learn is to accept and love myself for who I am, and look after me and my mental and physical health.

“I do this through a number of ways, not just one approach ( e.g. meditation, western medicine, alternative practices like supplements and homeopathy, and I have a good network of friends).

“I’m calmer, happier, more accepting of myself and others. There are many other "tools" out there (like counselling and self -help books that I’ve used in the past, though not currently in my routine).

“My point is that it's only when we have become a good partner to ourselves, that we can attract and recognise healthy, happy relationship with others - romantic or otherwise.

“It takes time, but it's worth the investment in yourself.”