I’m 57, married 35 years, with four sons; the two oldest live with their partners, the two youngest are at university. 

After 12 years of marriage, I separated for 2 ½ years - and re-discovered my first love. We’d met when she was 15; I was 17.

This time, she was married with four kids. She had problems in her marriage, I was alone, and we became lovers for two years. But she felt she had no right to take the children from their father. We stopped seeing each other.

I picked up my first two children weekly, started taking my ex-wife along, and we decided to get back together and had the next two kids.

Six years ago we changed countries, started several businesses but lost money. We’ve been living under the same roof but she doesn’t love me any more. For six years, there’s been no sex or happiness.

My wife’s been working overseas for the past eight months.

I was contacted by a young woman looking for old friends of her mom – yes, my former lover. I travelled overseas and met her after 23 years, and fell in love again. She’s separated.

We live in different countries where we both have jobs and families. The only way I see this working is my moving over there. But I have a nice independent job here, with some dependence from my kids, and only a small pension for the future. If I stay here, I’ll be safe but lonely. If I move there, I have to re-adapt to a culture I left, find a job etc.

- Your Thoughts?

Such a huge decision will profoundly affect everyone involved, and requires that both you and your love think it through thoroughly, and discuss it with those who matter most. Some family members may understand, others will reject. Can each of you live with that, for the sake of being together? 

Finances don’t override emotions, but they surely can affect them. Are you both so determined to have this relationship that a diminished lifestyle won’t matter? Talking this out will test your committment to each other, and that’s a good thing at this stage of your lives. The move can be uplifting and bring happiness, or a disaster.

My boyfriend and I have similar expenses but his income is slightly higher. My expenses are related to my home where he stays 90% of the time. 

He’s kept his apartment, pays for support to his ex, etc. All he helps me out with is food, although he can afford more.

He argues that we’re “even” and doesn’t see my sharing my home as special. I have to beg him for financial help and to do household chores.

I’m debating having us be together only on weekends, but fear it’ll ruin the relationship. He’ll likely say I kicked him out.

- Uncertain

If the relationship continues to feel unfair and your resentment builds, it’ll end in a break-up, anyway. 

This isn’t only about money, but whether he’s in or out for the long-term with you. He may be hanging onto his place if he has children he sees, and isn’t ready to bring them into your “couple” scene – reasonable, for a while. Otherwise, you need to know if he intends having “his place” permanently. If so, you’re on the losing end of this deal.

Moving him out during the week won’t lower your costs much. It’ll just prolong your involvement with a man who doesn’t want to be your full-time partner.

I’m a female, late-20’s, with the mentality all my life of, “it’s my way or the highway.” It’s finally caught up with me.  

I’ve had two serious relationships in my life and both failed because of my doubts, insecurities and attitude. Both men hate me, (rightfully so).

I feel so destroyed mentally that I’m scared to approach another relationship and have the same thing happen.

How do I move forward and ultimately grow-up?

- Selfish Saboteur

You’re on the right path with your self-awareness – a sign of maturity – so be less harsh on yourself. 

Selfishness IS self-defeating, but can be “treated” by understanding its origins and by wanting to change. A professional therapist will help you explore what triggers your insecurities and doubts, and work with you on strategies to recognize roadblocks ahead, to respond differently.

Instead of lashing yourself, begin your attitude change by taking action and seeking help.