I’m in a new relationship with a man who got his ex-girlfriend pregnant (unplanned). They were together for six weeks; she conceived two weeks before she ended the relationship. 

She wants to be a single parent, but he’s responsible (in hindsight), and chooses to be financially supportive and participate in the child’s life. She’s reluctant to discuss joint-custody matters with him (visitation, names, schooling, religion) and wants only his financial involvement.

She’s asking for money to buy maternity clothes; he’s afraid to say he doesn’t believe he should pay. He can’t afford to have this extra burden, yet worries that if he resists anything, she’ll prevent him from participating with the child.

Until a paternity test is taken, he doesn’t want to offend her. If I weren’t in the picture, he’d be lap puppy at this woman’s beck and call.

I could potentially be in a stepparent situation, but I don’t want to be in an ex-girlfriend manipulation. What’s the proper response to her demands?

- Complications

If you stay with him, you will be involved with her requests/demands. Accept that, or get out of the picture, because it’s going to be messy for quite a while. Otherwise, until you’re in the stepparent role, leave him to respond to her in whatever way works best between them. 

Currently, your guy’s giving mixed messages that are sure to upset this woman - he wants to be “responsible,” but not for maternity clothes, he can’t afford extras. So what about a crib, layette, diapers, help for the mother’s rent and food costs when she’s not working, etc.?

He needs to clarify his commitment and negotiate some agreements with this woman. If he wants a role in the child’s life, he’ll have to do more than just visit.

We’re together four years, getting married soon. I’m a private, self-conscious person. He’s more open, and likes to share with others. 

We argued over how to handle pictures of my family and I. I wanted to delete some in which others or I don’t look good. He wanted to show them.

Recently, he said his parents wanted him to make another copy of the picture DVD he’d given them (for his uncle). He hadn’t shown me which pictures he’d used. I later found the DVD in his laptop. It contains many pictures of my family and I that I don’t want others to see.

I was angry and hurt by his disrespectful behaviour and held the DVD hostage. He lashed out at me, accusing me of being selfish, hurting his parents and his uncle. He claimed my being private and self-conscious is unwarranted and bad for me.

I eventually returned the DVD to his father with the agreement that some of the pictures will be deleted from both copies. I want an apology, my fiancé refused.

How can I make him understand his behaviour and remarks are disrespectful and hurtful?

- Angry

You both need to respect each other’s very different personalities, by discussing things ahead. 

This mutually stubborn dispute was a dangerous pattern to repeat. HE can be open about himself… but he mustn’t walk over your right to privacy.

Similarly, YOU can be shy while he’s outgoing… yet you mustn’t embarrass him before others.

Recognize that it’s the differences that attracted you, and they need to be honoured, or this relationship is doomed to constant friction.

My wife of five years and I had an outstanding sex life - four to five times weekly – until last year. 

Lately, she withholds sex; she’s too tired or has a headache. But she’s never too tired or headachy to go shopping or out to bars with her girlfriends. When confronted, she gets angry and won’t deal with it, as with most problems.

We’re both young, attractive and healthy. I never had a problem attracting the opposite sex and I fear if this continues I might seek other women.

Counselling isn’t an option.

- Frustrated

You don’t have a sex problem, you have a marital crisis, and counselling is sure to become an option if you cheat or seek a divorce. 

Try communicating instead of confronting: what changed last year, is your married routine too predictable, with no “date nights” or getting out together? Is her job tougher, or did you have a child?

You may learn a lot if you show caring and concern about her, not just about having sex. If that doesn’t work, counselling is crucial.