With two great, but failed, four-year relationships behind me, I’m several months into a third, which started while she was ending a three-year relationship (I’ve been on high rebound alert). 

She’s everything I want in a future partner - smart, funny, attractive, ambitious. However, compared to my past relationships, we’re stale; we don’t discuss our progress as a couple. We hangout, have a good time, and that’s it.

Recently, I raised these concerns, saying I believe she’s emotionally unavailable right now and needs to deal with the ending of her last relationship before we can build something great.

I subsequently ended it, she contacted me soon after, and I gave it a second chance. But it still lacks that fire.

I’m not in the business of relationships that aren’t passionate, spontaneous and ever growing.

How long do I wait?

Do certain people need more time to develop the things I’m talking about?

Are some completely incapable?

Is this how relationships are, once we’re in our late-20s?

- No Fire

Don’t waste your time poking at embers. She wants easy, you want vigorous. She needs time on her own, to work up her hunger for a vibrant, passionate union. 

She sought refuge with you from her other relationship, not intensity. Your first instinct was correct – you need a break from each other.

As for age-related heat in relationships, it can happen any time… even in your senior years. The difference is this: In early relationships, there’s unexpected tumultuous emotions, and analysis, which build the passion while it lasts.

Later, experience teaches you it’s more than chemistry and a checklist – the combined passion and commitment are either there, or not.

My friend, 25, recently separated from his wife of only a few years. 

Our friendship has gotten closer. He confided in me about a girl he’s dating, reluctantly admitting she’s 16, that he was talking to her while still with his wife, and kept it secret until a) he’d separated, and b) the girl turned 16.

He said they’re having a sexual relationship.

I’ve told him several times that the situation is not only wrong, but disgusting behaviour with a girl in high school.

He thinks nothing’s wrong, and says she’s perfect for him and much more mature.

I want to continue our friendship but find it hard to get past how I now feel about him because of this relationship.

Is this something worth losing a friend over?

- Uncertain

It’s worth protecting the girl, and possibly keeping this guy out of serious trouble, to do what’s necessary to end their relationship. 

In some jurisdictions, he’d be charged criminally with sexual behaviour with a minor, so start by researching the law in your country/state/province, and inform him of the risks.

Even if she’s a consenting participant, if she turns against him for some reason, he’ll be deemed the bad guy who took advantage of her.

Tell him to consider the “power imbalance” in their relationship… what he calls “perfect” is an inexperienced, impressionable schoolgirl he can get to do his bidding. It’s a sad commentary on his own lack of maturity and confidence; he needs to hear that most people will think far less of him for it.

Ask if he and the girl are open with her parents about his age, and about the fact he’s not fully divorced, and whether he has their approval.

If he persists in this relationship, cool your friendship. The guy’s a jerk, with neither integrity nor common sense.

My boyfriend of one month likes to flirt a lot. He was my first date and the only guy I’ve ever liked this way. 

I said I’d give him a chance if he promised to stop flirting and if I’d be his only girl. He said he’d try to change.

Well, he’s already ignoring me at school and says that he doesn’t want people to be talking around campus about our personal life. But when we get home he’s the sweetest person on earth.

Do you think he likes me or is just using me?

- Confused

There’s a difference between avoiding gossip (which is wise) and being plain rude (which is wrong). If you feel he’s rude and disrespectful in front of others, tell him so. 

Don’t accept his excuse; your response is, you’d rather have people know that you date, than to have him ignore or put you down.