Last year I wrote to you about a friend of mine who was alone for Christmas. I had asked my two sisters if this friend could attend our family Christmas dinner. They both objected because she wasn’t family. I begged them because I felt so badly for her, and impressed upon them that it was the season for being charitable of spirit. They relented and my friend joined us.

It was all going well, and I was so grateful to my sisters, until my sister who was hosting offered us gifts. My friend greedily grabbed more than six presents! It was very rude and ugly. My other sisters told the hostess immediately and they were all extremely unimpressed.

My three sisters all agreed that this friend would never be invited to anything ever again. I couldn’t blame them.

Fast forward to this year, and this friend has already asked if she’ll be invited to our family Christmas dinner. I don’t know what to say to her to let her know the answer is a definitive NO.

Any ideas?

Sister in the Middle

I received this email two weeks ago (we write ahead), so I responded privately to the letter-writer. This is what I said:

You’re a good person for having invited your friend last year, even against your sisters’ wishes. You did the right thing by extending kindness at Christmas. But your friend wasn’t gracious and grateful, as seen by her actions.

You don’t owe her anything.

What do you tell her? Well, you can go several ways: You can be brutally honest and tell her that your sisters don’t want her there. Or you can make up a story that’s less hurtful and personal. Or you can stretch the truth by saying something like dinner is at your sister’s again, but she is only inviting close family because she doesn’t have space, or she can’t handle the numbers, or she doesn’t want to spend more money, or whatever.

I don’t condone lying but stretching the truth so as not to hurt someone is OK in my books. You could always invite your friend to your house for Christmas Eve (if your family dinner is on Christmas Day), or vice versa, or Christmas breakfast, or even just a walk in the afternoon. You can extend kindness on your own without involving your sisters and your whole family.

FEEDBACK Regarding the Helicopter Homework Mom (Nov. 9):

Reader – “In high school, kids start to explore their subject likes, dislikes, and aptitudes, which very likely will be different from the parent’s.  ‘My wife and I are both highly educated professionals’ does NOT mean that they know everything.  The day will come when the kids start to take subjects that the parents really do not have knowledge in.  Even the way that the kids are learning differ from the way the parents were taught.  At that point she will either realize it’s time to back off or the child will say so.  That happened to me when my mother said, ‘I can no longer help you with what you are now learning.’

“The other aspect is based on the child’s test scores. If knowledge is not being retained, i.e. depending too much on his/her mother for homework, the test scores will reflect that.

“Plus, at high school ages, kids naturally want to start getting more independent.

“I believe the husband/father needs to relax and let the natural progression proceed, unless the child’s test scores are suffering now.”

 

My husband died recently and I’m feeling very sad, lost, and lonely. My adult son and his girlfriend have been very loving and kind, but they’re young, busy and have their own lives to lead. I don’t want to burden them with taking care of a single senior.

I’m not that old, nor am I incapable; I just don’t know how to go through each day without my husband of 40 years. Thankfully I still work and play pickleball.

I’m mostly worried about the holiday season. What’s your advice for me?

Newly widowed

I’m sorry to hear about your husband. The most important thing you can do is to give yourself the gift of understanding and allow yourself the feelings that will inevitably flow during this holiday period.

Make plans with friends and family during this period when you’re on holiday. Go to the movies, Christmas markets and keep busy. Appreciate all that life has to offer.