My wife is so absorbed with our children that I feel left out in the cold. She used to want to do fun things with me, but now all her energy seems reserved only for our three kids. I love them too – and I enjoy the activities we do with them – but I’m feeling like we’re losing our adult love connection. 

My wife goes to bed when the kids do, since the oldest, age 5, has her running with juice-and-story demands till 10 pm. When I suggest we get stricter about bedtime so we can have some intimacy, she accuses me of being a “tough-love” father.

- Shut Out

You need to get your wife back into the marriage without her feeling that her maternal role is being threatened. Tell her that your love for the children is equally strong, and that’s why you want to make sure you two stay together through these years of demanding and energy-draining youngsters. 

There are many excellent parenting books on the shelves, but the trick is to find one whose approach you both agree on. That’s why I recommend starting your quest for more togetherness through professional marriage therapy, to put you both on the same track.

Experts say that though children are parents’ first priority, at a time when the couple’s bond is at risk, the union needs the most attention for a while (so long as the kids aren’t left neglected). Currently, you’re on the outside, and you both need to work on bringing you into the family picture.

Our out-of-town friends offered their Florida condo free while they’re away for two weeks this winter. BUT, they want to visit us in summer when we’re home. We like the guy, but his wife’s rude, argumentative and judgmental. 

Should we “use” their place or is it too high a price?

- Torn

This “deal” is doomed; arrange an affordable winter break for yourselves elsewhere. Then, be “too crowded” for house guests and find them a nearby hotel when they visit. Otherwise, your dislike will surface, and ruin the friendship anyway.

My friend, 49, is a lawyer, engaged to marry a guy she’s only known for one month. She’s 48, divorced, and never fell this hard before though she dated several men. 

Her fiancé wooed her aggressively; meanwhile I’ve heard rumours that he’s not all that he says, either in business success or good character, and that he’s had a married mistress for years.

Do I tell my friend all this? I fear she’ll never speak to me again.

- Concerned

Your friend is in a position to know she should do due diligence on anyone who moves in on her so quickly – and she has the advantage of being able to afford the investigative search by professionals that would inform her fully about this man’s past and present behaviour. 

In fact, she may already know some of the very rumours you’ve heard, and have discussed them with her fiancé. OR, she’s so in love she believes in her man and is willing to take any risks that may unfold.

Keep quiet. You have no first-hand information or evidence of his wrongdoing. And she’s entitled to take her chances, even if she’s decided to trust him and not check him out.

If it turns out to be a mistake on her part, that’s when to be the caring, supportive friend you want to be.

My wife’s girlfriend always has a drama going on; she phones my wife all day with every detail. Also, she invites us over with her and her husband twice a week (our entire recreation time) then she still dominates the conversation with her ongoing soap operas. 

How can I get my wife to cool it, and stop feeling that she always has to respond to her friend’s latest “emergency?”

- Fed Up

Speak up. Tell your wife your needs for her companionship plus some household peace without drama. This will only ring true if you consistently offer your wife reasonable attention and companionship when you’re home. 

Also, you two need time going out together alone. Make a weekly date with her, and plan ahead to do things of interest for both of you.

Hopefully, she’ll get bored with the constant intrusions and drama, when she’s busier living her own story with you.