My husband of eight years is kind, loving and attentive; however, our sex life is non-existent since I’ve gained 60 pounds after we got married. I had a great figure prior; he couldn’t keep his hands off me. 

I still desire him and want to be intimate but he has many excuses. The twice a year we do have sex is because I initiated it. I’m tired of begging and feeling desperate.

I’ve seen no indication of affairs and have suggested counselling which he claims would be too embarrassing.

I’ve been thinking a lot about sex with other men but have had no affairs. I’m afraid I might jeopardize the marriage.

- Missing Sex

It’s deeply hurtful to you to be rejected over an external change, when you’re the same woman inside whom he married. 

Yet he, too, might be hurt that you haven’t worked on staying attractive for him (unless there are medical or emotional factors involved, but you do not mention them).

Since you clearly believe your weight gain has turned off your husband, it’s curious that you also don’t mention talking to him about why your body’s changed, and why, possibly, you either can’t lose weight or don’t do anything about it.

Nevertheless, it’s an extreme reaction for him to withhold sex for so long. It suggests a coldness and superficiality in him that may be part of an overall marital problem.

See your doctor first, because added weight jeopardizes your health, and you want to rule out medical causes, or effects. Then, ask for referral to a therapist.

If you’re comfortable with your body image, and/or can’t change it, then hubby’s distance may become a deal-breaker – not an affair (which solves nothing between you), but a break-up.

However, if you’re not comfortable with your weight, it’s time to unlock the barriers to change, in both of your minds and in your marriage.

My mother revised her will, before suffering a massive fatal stroke; my sister and I were no longer acting powers of attorney. My brother, my cousin and my aunt were selected instead. 

My brother and his wife had bullied my mother into changing her will so they got the cottage and had a loan forgiven (if my parents’ money dwindles, my brother would assume a loan to care for Dad and ensure my sister and I inherited some money).

Mom wanted to leave a more substantial legacy to us, but my brother was angry that he might have to assume a bigger mortgage to secure a “family” cottage he’s always felt he had exclusive rights to.

Mom backed down, thus denying my sister and I either access to the cottage, or an inheritance.

My brother also left myself and my sister out of her funeral arrangements.

My mom was a sweet loving mother; my father was always abusive to her. My brother has adopted his traits.

My sister-in-law controls Dad’s care as he now has Alzheimer’s.

I just want to remember my mom with love and understanding.

- Shocked

Remember your mom with love and compassion. 

Having accepted an abusive marriage, she’d be vulnerable to her son’s control.

Have another lawyer examine the will, and any facts about “bullying.” You and your sister may be able to contest the will, given your mother’s previous intent to leave you money.

If Dad’s care appears unsatisfactory, report it to social services for the elderly. When he passes, have your lawyer examine the estate again.

My brother, 40, isn’t giving Christmas presents this year.  

He’s never learned how to get presents for others - says he hates shopping. I told him, it’s the thought - or lack of it - that counts, and offended his new wife, who’s on his side for financial reasons.

I fear they now won’t participate in family Christmas celebrations. What can I do to repair the damage?

- Upset

Apologize. Many people are struggling financially and are re-thinking how they spend for the holidays. Tell her you understand this, and also want to get on board with practical expressions of holiday cheer. 

Ask if she has suggestions for helpful exchanges – e.g. You give a gift of a one-dish dinner, which you’ll deliver to their house, she packages her great cookie recipe and the ingredients, etc.

Or gift only the children, modestly.