My boyfriend wants to go all the way and I’m not ready. It’s not that I’m not ready physically, or in my desire to be with him, it’s just not in my moral code. We’ve been together awhile, and I’ve told him from the beginning that I won’t sleep with him until I know that our relationship is long-lasting.
My parents would have me wait until marriage, but I’ve always upheld that being engaged is good enough for me. I never told my boyfriend that specifically because I would hate for that to be the reason he asks. But that’s what I need.
Now he’s pressuring me because we’ve been together a few years, and he says it’s clear we’re in it for the long haul. But we’re not yet engaged. So, I don’t want to have sex yet. What do I do?
Not Ready
If you’re not ready, you’re not ready. It’s your body and you have every right to wait until it feels right to you, physically and emotionally. However, don’t play games with your boyfriend. If you have a specific time frame in mind, talk to him about it. I can understand why you didn’t initially, but you’ve now been together long enough that you know he won’t propose JUST to get you in bed. He’s put in the time and effort. Show him that you appreciate that by being honest.
I recently went out with a group of women, some of whom I’ve known for years. A few other women were there; one I had never met before. We went for dinner and drinks and were having a great night. Out of nowhere, that woman announced that she was engaged and ordered Champagne for everyone. We were all pretty drunk and enjoying the night.
Another woman, whom I have met a few times but we’re not friends independent of the connection, sidled up to me and told me that she was having an affair. She was slurring her words, and I was tipsy too, so I didn’t think I heard right when she told me that she was sleeping with the man who just got engaged! That’s when I much too loudly asked, “You’re sleeping with Dante?” and all heads turned in our direction.
I excused myself to the bathroom and my close friend came running in after. She insisted I tell her what that was all about, and because I was tipsy, I told her. But we didn’t know that the engaged woman’s friend was in the stall while we were talking – until she came out.
The whole thing is a mess, and I feel guilty that it was somehow my fault that now everyone knows everything. What should I do?
Too drunk for secrets
What a drunken mess! I don’t think you can be blamed for anything. You’re not sleeping with an engaged man or having an affair on your husband. The only two “at fault” here are the man in question and this woman who’s sleeping with him. Why he would ask his girlfriend to marry him while in the throes of an affair is mind-boggling, but I guess he thought he could get away with it and enjoy both sides of his life.
It’s not up to you to protect people you don’t know from actions caused by others. Obviously, you weren’t out to hurt the newly engaged woman, or “out” the cheating woman. If you feel the need, you could apologize to the former that she heard it from you. But you don’t need to.
FEEDBACK Regarding grandparents and their rights and value as such:
Reader – “Grandparents should have the same visitation as our children as in, if they are divorced. As a grandparent of four, I am appalled that the rights of grandparents are to get a lawyer; go to court; spend thousands of dollars; and a dip-shit judge gets to decide. This is not right.
“Grandparents are the foundation of a family and just because a divorce happens, those involved have no right to prevent the grandparents from seeing their grandchildren. I am disgusted that the federal government has not passed legislation to prevent this from happening.”
FEEDBACK Regarding the couple having sex on the beach (March 22):
Reader – “I would have taken a photo and reported it to the local police department. I believe that such activity is illegal in many areas. I also believe that local authorities would want to know, especially if it’s a widespread issue and the beach is trying to be promoted as ‘family friendly.’