My wife of 20 years has been spacing opportunities for intimacy. Our son, 14, shared our bed from birth until a year ago, despite my occasional protests.

However, my wife still rejects my advances save for rare occasions when the boy's not home at night.

I raise the subject periodically, but her responses are vague. I'm 62, still very motivated to have sex with her. Otherwise, we have a good relationship. Sex was great before our son's birth but now I feel trapped, cheated, and scammed.

I don't feel like cheating, but would never pressure her to feel obligated to have sex.

Trapped

You've accepted the "trap," so she feels no need to change things. Her behaviour has been selfish, unfair, and unnecessary. Even co-sleeping with a child allows for finding opportunities to make love - e.g. in another room when he's asleep in the bed, or in the bath, shower, etc. People have handled this "challenge" for centuries, across many cultures.

Insist on an explanation. This isn't pressuring her to have sex; it's urging her to be a partner who states her reasons for major changes.

She knows you want intimacy, yet withholds it. Is she angry at you, seeking more "power?" Did she experience loss of libido that she never addressed medically, but which can be treated? (For her own health reasons, she should explore that possibility).

My boyfriend of eight years moved into my home five months ago, with his son, 19, staying part-time on weekends. My issue is his son's close friend, who's a guest at my home nearly every weekend.

He has meals at my house and sleeps over both Friday and Saturday nights. For the most part, they're good boys, but there've been a few issues with alcohol, rowdiness, noise, and music.

My boyfriend's son has a part-time weekend job. When he goes to work (four-to-five hours) in the mornings, his friend stays at my house. Sometimes we're both also going to work, leaving the friend there alone. It's not that I don't trust him, I just see no reason why he should be there when no one's home.

There've also been weekends when I'm home alone with this kid. Again, I'm uncomfortable in my own home. I discussed this with my boyfriend BEFORE he moved in, because it was happening at his place. My wishes that it not happen here have been ignored.

My boyfriend now thinks I'm making a big deal out of nothing. What should I do?

Crowded and Uncomfortable

There's missing information here, all around. Where is this young friend's family... is there a reason he needs a weekend home of which you're not aware or don't want to acknowledge? If he needs a weekend home, the whole household (you, your guy, his son and friend) should be discussing it openly, with compassion, and with understanding of what's acceptable and what's not.

OR, does your part-time "stepson" need his friend around because of discomforts he has with his parents' divorce, and/or this new living arrangement. Five months isn't a long time for adjustments for these kinds of moves.

Most important is that these are good young men and the few other matters that arose are normal ones to be expected (and of course serve as healthy discussion points).

On mornings when he's left alone, is going to his own home a reasonable choice? If so, it should be suggested by your boyfriend in a group discussion. If not, then suggest he find a part-time job, too.

FEEDBACK Regarding a grandfather's concern that his grandchild was learning "back home" language instead of English (April 11):

Reader - "Your response is accurate. My immigrant parents both spoke to me solely in their native Italian. When I started Kindergarten, I couldn't speak a word of English, but learned it through socialization and interaction with peers and my teacher.

"I can now fluently speak Italian, English, and French. Many of my friends are unable to speak their parents' native tongue because their parents were told by kindergarten teachers to stop speaking that language. Sadly my friends can understand but are unable to actually speak their parents' language.

"There are many benefits to speaking more than one language in society! As a child developmentalist, I've read research showing that children exposed early to a second language (before the age of three) have little difficulty becoming proficient in both languages as they get older."