I'm 37, female, and had a long, heartbreaking previous relationship with a commitment-phobe. Then I reconnected with a guy I'd had a great date with ten years ago. He really seems into me.

Meanwhile, my ex came back after two years but fled again when things got serious. The new guy came roaring back. But, though he knew I wanted to be his girlfriend before things got physical, he soon slowed down, became distant.

A week later we saw each other again and things seemed normal - he even said he thought things were going well between us. He asked if I were comfortable being his girlfriend after only four (intense) dates, and I really was. Then, I was left again.

In a post chat, he said he felt things were going too fast. The next week I found him on a dating site looking for a relationship! He's 40 and was divorced. He said he was very hurt it ended even though he admitted he was at fault.

Did I actually meet another commitment-phobe?

Repeated

Your previous heartbreak seems to have made you seek a "Do or Die" relationship. Four dates is NOT a relationship. There was too much early chat about how and where things were going, too much intensity, and implied promise with someone you hadn't seen in a decade.

This recent guy had already showed you a red flag you should've recognized: "Fast and furious" is a common signal of someone who wants quick build-up and hook-up, so that he/she can then back off and decide whether you're worth "keeping." More often, it's NO, because that'd mean accepting a steady, ongoing relationship rather than a roller coaster of drama.

Forget both those men. Next time you meet someone, go slow, and get to know the individual rather than "the candidate." Look for ease and humour when together, develop some understanding for what makes each other tick. These are the questions to ponder privately, NOT, "how soon am I your girlfriend?"

Is it okay to email an ex-boyfriend just as a friend, to follow up on a conversation we had the last time we ran into each other? He's married now, I'm not, and I just don't know if there's some unwritten rule that you don't email/text other peoples husbands?

Wondering

This is the kind of question people ask when they want the answer to be different from the one they already suspect is "okay."

It's good that you don't want to start a problem for him.

IF the information is important, send an email that starts off wishing him and his bride well. Then, you can include the actual reason for contacting him.

However, if the information is NOT important, forget it. If you bump into him again, you can mention it. Otherwise, you're just stirring a pot, even if gently.

FEEDBACK Regarding destination weddings (April 7):

Reader - "I'm not a fan of weddings since half of them end in divorce. I thought destination weddings were so that not everyone ends up going. This aunt's in debt and on her own. I wouldn't feel guilty about not attending. She could have a shower or something at home if she wants to be part of the celebration.

"The bride and groom are looking for a fun time with a few friends at a great resort. I doubt they'll miss her."

A-She's reported that she did feel sad about missing the family connection. She's now planned to attend and excited about it.

FEEDBACK Regarding when a woman should tell a new man about her daughter, age 12 (April 11):

Reader - "She needs some reliable idea of the background of ALL men she dates before she says there's a pre-teen daughter in the household. Wait until you meet the "co-workers" and watch them interacting when there's alcohol present.

"Under no circumstances should she bring ANY man to her home until she has good reason to trust him... maybe after six-months when she's seen him drinking, and how he handles it."

A-Agreed! That's why my advice was to only reveal that she's a mother. They're learning about each other and he must know that fact soon, so he doesn't run when he learns it later, when she's more emotionally involved.

Nevertheless, it can't be said enough, as this reader also wrote, "The mother's first duty is to protect her child."