My boyfriend of four months and I (friends for one and a half years prior) is sweet, thoughtful and romantic. However we haven't really had sex, just some fooling around.

He can't get or keep an erection, and isn't very well-endowed.

His doctor dismissed it as performance anxiety as he has no problems (with erectile dysfunction) when alone.

The one time we sort-of had sex, he was drunk

I’m a very sexual person. Good sex in a relationship is important to me. Also, I want to have children in the near future.

Every other aspect of our relationship is amazing.

No Sex

If he wants to have a healthy relationship that includes sex, with you or anyone else, he needs to see a sex therapist specialist about his “performance anxiety.”

This may come from deeper anxieties, or excessive masturbation and/or porn-watching.

Be careful NOT to have “accidental” sex when he’s drunk and get pregnant that way, without having resolved this.

For the relationship to progress, he must take responsibility for his sexual difficulties and find a solution that works for both of you.

My husband of 27 years had been previously divorced for 10 years when we married.

He’d left the relationship because of his own problems at the time, and still feels guilty about leaving his two sons.

Two months before we were married, I met his first wife.

She was friendly when we were all standing talking, but as we left and I waved goodbye, she made a threatening snarl.

She was best friends with one of my sisters-in-law in the city where my husband’s family lives.

When I met that sister-in-law, she went on about what a wonderful person the first wife was.

None of his large family came to our wedding, although I developed a good relationship with my mother-in-law and some sisters-in-law.

At one family gathering, a step-brother announced loudly "I've heard you've been up to a whole lot of no-good!"

I was shocked.

I’d wondered why we were often alienated at family events when his ex was present.

But I haven't had the courage to ask what I’d supposedly done.

There’ve been many examples since of underhanded collusion between the one sister-in-law and his ex-wife.

She even flirts with my husband when I'm present.

She’s been more civil lately when we've visited the grandchildren and who live near her.

But I don't feel that I can trust her.

And the sister-in-law is still playing dirty tricks and throwing verbal darts.

None of the family ever says anything to her about these remarks.

My husband and I went to marriage counselling where I was told to practice behaviour modification techniques to help me get over this.

Every encounter with the family is upsetting, both in anticipation, and dealing with the fall-out from remarks.

I’d like to visit the grandchildren and my friendly sisters-in-law, but the stress is almost more than I can physically handle. I have heart problems.

Still Disturbing

How unfair that neither your counsellor nor anyone else suggested that your husband also practice a behavioural change!

He should’ve long ago said that he won’t stand for this maliciousness towards you.

He still can, and should also speak up to the rest of the family.

None of this was your fault.

Have confidence from your years of not responding to this nastiness. Their barbs only make them appear ugly by comparison.

Now, 27 years later, nothing should stop you from seeing grandchildren and other relatives whom you like.

 

My best friend and I used to be inseparable.

She’s engaged, after two years of no effort to keep any friendships.

Even my parents have asked if I still consider her as my Maid of Honour for my own upcoming wedding.

But I still care for her and want her to be happy.

I believe she may eventually regret losing her friendships. Others have written her off.

I haven't done this.

I'm moving to a different city soon. Should I say something beforehand, to open her eyes?

Disappointed BF

She’ll soon find herself on her own when her marriage settles into a routine.

That’s when she’ll reach out, but you’ll be in your own routine and not close by.

It’s a lesson many people have to learn themselves, because comments only sound like attempts to disturb her bubble.

You’ve been a loyal friend through this. Let reality unfold, and respond as you then think best.