Dear Readers - For the young and aroused, the idea of seniors’ having sexual lives is too-often derided and dismissed.
Yet, while even the most lustful of young and middle-aged people will eventually experience some age changes, like vaginal dryness or erectile difficulties, they can still have a satisfying sex life.
This next question typifies the disconnect between believed myth that it’s all over past a certain age, and the fact that many of today’s seniors are developing rich and satisfying ways of lovemaking.
However, it sometimes requires understanding and acceptance of some new personal factors regarding sex.
I’m 70, he’s 72. I’m very “hot” about sex, he’s “nothing at all” regarding sex.
We met two years ago. He’s a nice guy and we have a lot in common. He visits and sleeps with me but… NO sex.
I try everything to help him, creating fantasies, etc. He said, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
He revealed that he’s tried pills, medications, saw his doctor etc. Nothing works.
Do you think he needs a psychologist?
Yes and No. He already says he’s tried everything, and has clearly lost his self-confidence about sex. He likely has “performance anxiety” which leads to sexual dysfunction, though there may be other issues that contributed to it.
It may have to do with medications or a health condition, which is why a medical check-up is needed. But he already saw a doctor and didn’t reveal a health problem to you.
He says he’s tried pills, but with Viagra, there has to be desire for sex for the pill to work... but doesn’t happen if emotional issues arise, e.g., a partner feeling rejected.
As for counselling, he has to be willing and comfortable talking to a professional about sex. He needs to reframe “what’s wrong with me?” and instead, ask for help about how to regain his interest in emotional intimacy, foreplay and making love.
From the Harvard Medical School’s Health Publishing information:
People are living longer and remaining healthier. They’re more vigorous than ever before. It's healthy for older adults to express their sexuality.
In Ontario, as example, the Board of Examiners in Sex Therapy and Counselling (BESTCO) lists sex therapists, including registered social work therapists, psychotherapists, marriage and family therapists, etc.
In Canada, to obtain sex therapy certification, a Master's degree and certification in a related field are required, plus approximately 150 hours of human sexuality education, 200 hours of clinical experience, and 50 hours of supervised experience.
My husband of 13 years and I have a son, 10 and a daughter, eight. He still goes to the office; I now work from home; the kids have done both home-schooling and in-person school.
We argue over things that seem minor but never change. Example: He piles sports equipment in the living/dining room of our small townhouse, so it’s always cluttered.
It’s where I work and help with the children’s home-schooling. He says the skates/hockey sticks etc. aren’t near the table, so “no problem.” I say it distracts the kids and should be kept in the garage.
But he hates a messy garage. Why should I be the one to be made uncomfortable?
He Wins/I Resent
This is a lose-lose situation because you’re both staying in fixed positions instead of repairing the damage it causes to your relationship.
Ask him why the garage must be neat. Tell him why a cluttered work-area upsets you. Then discuss a simple solution.
It’ll benefit your relationship.
Reader’s Commentary Regarding the mistakes we make when young and assessing people:
“I recently needed a lawyer and ended up online with someone who’d been recommended. The name I was given meant nothing to me, though his credentials were impressive. But when I saw the person’s face, I realized it was the high-school nerd who’d joined our class mid-term after his family moved into our area.
“He’d been bullied periodically by the regular jocks, because he didn’t play hockey or football and seemed to know subjects before we were taught them.
“What a surprise! His professional name was the long version of what we’d known, plus his new stepfather’s surname. His knowledge that I sought was immeasurably helpful for me.
“Most of all, he was gracious, though I’d occasionally stood by when others made fun of him. I hadn’t joined in, but I didn’t walk away.
“When the meeting ended, he said he remembered my “kindness.” Wow.”
Tip of the day:
Don’t dismiss the notion of a healthy and satisfying sex life for older people.