Lots of people write you about when they can or cannot forgive someone who cheated on them, but how do you forgive your parent for cheating?

My father was a player and my mother covered for him, to keep the family together. We kids knew enough, from his being “late” so often, or spending weekends away “on his own” and Mom often crying in her room, alone.

Now, I have my own children, and he wants to be close to us. My kids adore him, but I can’t forgive him for what he did to Mom, who died just last year.

Sad Son

Decide if it’s important for your kids to have a connection with your father… or not. If yes, then set boundaries with him. He cannot play with their emotions, and sometimes “disappear” for periods of time or go distant on them, as he did with you and your siblings.

He’s either In or Out, as a loving, regularly available grandfather. He’s used to being The Charmer and getting away with it, so make sure he knows you mean this.

It was your mother who had to deal with forgiving him, and she clearly did. Honour her memory by accepting her decision to keep the family together.

Your task is to let him know you won’t forgive him, if he plays fast and loose with your kids’ feelings.

I believe there’s no excuse, forgiveness, or "counselling" required, when someone cheats on you. If it happens, do what I did when I found a girlfriend cheating on me:

I threw all of her clothes, her belongings, everything she owned, out on the front lawn. Then I changed the locks and the phone number.

She kept trying to contact me by other means and finally I agreed to meet with her. She cried and apologized profusely, vowed she'd never do it again.

I had sex with her about 20 times over that weekend, then on the Sunday I said I was going to get us something to eat, got in my car and left.

I never heard from her again. If people cheat on you, it's over, move on.

Been There, Did That

Not a response I’d recommend, but it obviously suits your view that revenge works.

But for your own self-worth, it’s actually just fleeting satisfaction. Why did she cheat? Why did you choose her initially? How was your relationship going, at the time?

These are the questions that, if you ponder them, will make you more selective, more aware of signals before there are negative actions, and help you have better relationships in future.

The answers are part of growth and maturity, far more than the ability to rub someone’s face in the dirt.

FEEDBACK Regarding the future father-in-law whose body odor’s a wedding concern (March 19):

Reader – “My work associate also had this “smelly” problem. She found out it was because she drank about 15 coffees a day. She was the office receptionist, with a coffee machine beside her. Every time someone went for a coffee, so did she.

“Her doctor said the odor came out through the pores in her skin, and to cut down to no more than two coffees daily. Problem solved. Hope this is the easy solution for “Strong Scent” and will create a happy wedding.”

Ellie – In order for the problem to be “solved,” someone had to raise the matter and the person willing to help find a solution. That’s what’s needed for the wedding situation.

FEEDBACK Regarding the woman’s critical, difficult mother (April 10):

Reader – “I’m 50, with a similar mother type. When I was only 13, my mother attempted suicide, made sure we found her, and then blamed my brother and I for her attempt.

“I’ve tried all you suggested - lowering my expectations and limiting the time spent with her. It hasn’t worked out.

“I’ve struggled with ending the relationship. But, being around her even for short periods affects my mental and emotional health.

“My mother was also un-mothered. Now all she wants is the right to abuse me anytime she chooses. She wrote in a letter, that it’s her job to correct me, as a cop would.

“I’m making my own way away from her. She’ll never change. I’ve worked hard in therapy.

“The book, Divorcing a Parent, by Beverly Engel goes through the process with you. It’s been very helpful to me.”