I’m 37, mother of two young girls, earning a good salary. My husband sponsored my immigration here. We were a love story - but after our first child was born, he became distant, going out with his guy friends a lot.

He constantly complains that he’s tired of us, and that I should go home with the girls to my home country.

But this country is my home now. He makes me pay 80% of the bills and I have no savings. When I try to reason with him, he screams and threatens divorce.

I don’t want my children to see us fight. So, I just hope that things get better.

I have no one to talk to and am miserable. Sex is virtually non-existent. I’m thinking of having an affair, though worried that I might fall for someone.

I cannot go on working like a machine, feeling lonely and used.

The only people that I know here are my colleagues and my clients.

Please don’t suggest I talk to this man as he just bullies me. I don’t want a divorce because my little girls love their daddy.

He spends all his own money on holidays and drinking with his buddies. All mine goes toward childcare, mortgage, and taxes.

Desperately Seeking Help

For the sake of your daughters, get a grip on reality. This is a terrible environment for raising children, as well as for your own mental health.

Young children naturally love their parents, but they soon feel any tensions that exist and certainly they won’t miss the misery you feel.

There’s no benefit for you in this marriage - only negative feelings, loneliness, and resentment. Staying in it will beat down your self-confidence and you’ll feel trapped when you most need to move on without him.

See a lawyer – privately – and discuss your rights and financial situation should you leave. Talk to your accountant about how you can build some savings – e.g. refuse to pay your husband’s taxes if you are paying them.

There’s no reward for accepting another person’s bullying and exploitation. He’ll be entitled to joint custody, or regular visits, so the children will still see their father, and hopefully you’ll both be better, happier parents.

My older daughter, 22, is in jail for a year, based on some comments my younger daughter, 17, said about a situation.

I’m worried that the teenager might want to "join" her sister or do criminal acts as well.

I talked to someone who works at that jail and she said the best thing to do is allow my younger daughter to visit her older sister in jail, see the insides of the jail as a way to teach her. (I’d been hesitant in allowing her to visit, when she asked).

Or allow her to watch her sister re-enact the booking process. Do you think I should allow this or would it be too traumatizing? When she’s with her sister, what discussions should they have?

Mother’s Dilemma

Visit the jail with your younger daughter rather than allow her to go alone. It’s pretty scary when that door clanks behind you in a locked, guarded facility and it can provoke many emotions, from fear to defiance, in a young person.

Ask the court that was involved where to get counselling for your younger daughter, whose bound to be affected by this event. Any feeling of guilt about her sister’s incarceration could lead her down the path to join her, as you suggest, or affect her in other emotional ways.

Though we’re not religious, we started attending a church, for community.

Recently, the female minister asked my husband if he’d like to be emailed the church newsletter. And she drew him into a corner. I was irritated because she didn't ask me.

He told me she’d patted his shoulder. If a male pastor did that to me, I’d be offended. We’re mid-60s, she’s 40, so even if it was a friendly gesture, it seems disrespectful to assume it's okay to pat an old person. He’s still handsome and attractive.
Was she out of line? Should we quit attending? I like some of the people, though I haven't made any deep friendships.

Offended

If you enjoy the church community, keep attending. If she approaches him again, your husband must call you over to both hear what she has to say. If she “pats” again, he must pull back. She’ll get the message of discomfort.