I've been dating my boyfriend for two years, living together for one. His mom loves me. But his dad and step-mom don’t accept me. For these past three years, I haven’t had a job because I didn’t have a driver’s license and can't get to work without being able to drive there.

I’ve now gotten my license and have been trying to get a job for over a year, without success. His dad and step-mom always make snarky comments about me not working.

A family member said they think I'm a "loser.” I wish they’d accept that I’m trying my hardest. When I spoke of college, they asked, "How are you going to attend college if you can't even get a job to pay for it?"

They’re loud, outspoken, and intimidating. I'm prepared to talk to them about their treatment of me, but I need a NICE way to bring it up.

Outsider

Get a job, any job that isn’t unsafe or demeaning. So far, they only see other people supporting you, and hear your excuses about being unemployed.

True, they don’t sound nice and accepting. But your pride alone should be pushing you forward – e.g. waiting tables has put a whole lot of young people through college, or started their independence.

Even if you cannot admire his parents, it’s your own self-respect and self-image you need to boost. And it starts with getting what you need, in order to progress…. a job.

I’m happily married with three children, two of my own, one of his. The children are of University and high school ages. I’ve had standards and expectations of mine, that a University education is a privilege, and they need to pay towards certain costs.

They also need to meet my standards: no failing, quitting, or academic probation. Otherwise, they’d owe us the money back and would be on their own.

My husband agreed with these expectations when we married three years ago. My stepchild entered University on academic probation, so we didn’t pay, (his/her) mother did. Going into second year (he/she) remains on academic probation and failed two courses last year.

Yet my husband says we’re paying for the second year and I’m saying No, I won’t have different rules for his child. Also, my stepchild hasn’t worked this summer so will have no money to pay for other costs. My husband’s saying I’m being inflexible.

Caught in the middle

This situation is NOT the same, as with your children. Your stepchild has a mother who’s clearly involved, and it’s unclear whether the stepchild has lived with you these past three years.

Moreover, your children heard and knew your standards and expectations all their lives (and they’re certainly good ones which worked for all of you). But this child grew up without those guidelines, and with other influences.

While your approach has had great merit with your own children, it has to be adjusted for this child, and your husband is correct in trying to accommodate and assure an education for his child.

Instead of standing apart, you could be a great guide to this stepchild by saying how much you want (him/her) to succeed in life. Add that, while understanding that there may’ve been a lack of motivation in the past, you and your husband want to boost the chances for success, despite there’ve been some problems.

All three parents should consider whether there’s a need for finding a mentor/tutor to help this young person find focus.

FEEDBACK Regarding the wife who feels strongly disliked by her in-laws but also contributes to the bad relationship (July 14):
Reader – “My late mother-in-law (I’m married 30 years) always said, you can do what you want. I don't think she minded my not being the same religion as her family, but once I came over to her side, in discussing religion-wise, things went smoother.
“My wife always got along with my late mother, who passed away last year January. Being of a different religion and having a small language barrier, especially in the last years, didn't hamper their feelings towards each other.
“My advice is to try to get along, no matter how much patience it takes. To that lady, I say lighten up. Things go smoother if each side listens to the thoughts of the other side, and compromise.
“Neither sides always right, and seldom is either side wrong.”