Dear Readers – Following are leftover questions from my online chat on Secrets and Lies (January 9):

I had a one-night stand with a colleague. Now I have trouble making love with my husband because I feel so guilty. I know if I tell him, it’ll be the beginning of the end. So I say that I’m tired, or depressed about other things, and avoid him when he seems interested in sex. This is a secret that can ruin my life, so how can I consider telling it? Yet how can I live with it?

Guilty

You’ve already started the “beginning of the end.” How long do you think he’ll put up with your sexual chill? And how unfair is that, to make him feel unloved and undesired from your cheating?

Your “guilt” is a convenient cover-up. Get over it and start cuddling, stroking, and showing you love him. Then make a rational decision about whether you can forever hide this one-time occurrence.

If you believe it’ll keep haunting you, deal with the fallout now. Prolonged deception will hurt both of you more.

I’ve just learned that my partner gambled away all our savings. I never questioned him about the card games or boys’ nights out. He said that was his private “escape” and that my girls’ nights were mine.

Now I’ve discovered he was into huge debts and being threatened by people who ran the games. After we deal with the financial loans, hardships, etc., can I ever trust him again?

Devastated Fiona

There’s no trust until you talk about his gambling addiction and get him to deal with it through counseling, with behavior modification techniques, and/or Gamblers’ Anonymous for an ongoing support group.

Then, you two will need to agree on what’s private and what’s not.

Only one partner shouldn’t be privy to a couple’s finances. Set up joint accounting, e.g. a monthly checking of accounts and bill-paying together. That’s being a practical team, not distrustful.

My mother went behind my back and told my husband a deep secret of mine, that I was anorexic as a teenager. I went through hell back then, and now have all that under control, so I resent her bringing it up.

Now my husband wants to know all about it; why I had those issues. He believes I was abused and am still hiding it and protecting someone. It’s not true. I had other reasons, and feel they’re not his business. Am I wrong?

Unfairly Exposed

True intimacy involves emotional trust as well as mutual respect. Your past anorexia is nothing to be ashamed of, but it was a way (harmful to you) of controlling your environment, for your reasons then.

However, you’ve been controlling that information since, rather than sharing and letting your husband get deeply connected to you.

It’s not unusual, and also shows his love and caring, that he now believes that whatever sparked your eating disorder was a trauma for you (even if not abuse). He wants to be part of your comfort and security now. Trust him.

Commentary on Lies – I think as soon as the lie occurs to start with, it opens up a trust issue in the relationship. There becomes a question of how many other lies may be occurring and not being found out.

Freddy

Some people believe “white lies” preserve independence, e.g. buying another new pair of shoes. Repeated white lies, however, can snowball to big secrets and deceptions, such as a shopping addiction.

My husband died at 35 of a massive heart attack. Doctors missed the defect because he was young and otherwise healthy. I’ve been the “devastated widow” for five years, despite that our marriage was rocky and wouldn’t have lasted, as he was selfish, and spoiled.

When I date, men want to hear my “sad” story. If I hint at the truth, they think I’m heartless and don’t call again. Do I owe a dead man his “secret?”

Un-Merry Widow

You don’t owe personal details to a live man whom you’re newly dating. All that’s necessary to tell is how long you were married and why he died. Leave the rest until dating longer and both sharing past histories.

You needn’t shame the dead, just recount several stories about your life together, and a caring listener will get it. But no one will appreciate direct badmouthing. It was a tragedy to die so young, even if he was selfish.