I've been happily married to a great guy for 11 years. Lately I can't deal with his daughter. She was an adult when we got together, and living with her boyfriend. I've tried to form a bond with her, but failed.

She's now in her 40's, with children to whom I'm very close as her own mother isn't around. I'm very close to my daughter.

My step-daughter (SD) always changes things to suit her. Our tradition of open house to family and friends freaks her out so we now have two Christmases. She turns every event into something about her.

My daughter was pregnant with twins and they died. My SD, who never bothers with my daughter, was upset. Example: "My Dad never came to any of my ultrasounds" (never invited).

We're moving closer to all our kids, but she had a temper tantrum saying we're only moving to be closer to my daughter and she likes our house. Her dad's started hanging up the phone when she's verbally abusive.

I might even leave him to avoid the tension she creates.

Wit's End

Take stock: You have a good husband, and great relationships with your daughter and grandchildren. Now, look at SD's stock: She has no mother, and is filled with anger and insecurities. Your life is so much better off that you should be able to rise above her dramas. Leaving your husband would only sadden you, leave you lonely, and have her creating conflicts over finances.

Fortunately, her father understands that he needs to set boundaries with her. Now you two must determine some as a couple, especially when you move - e.g. limit phone calls and visits to convenient times. BUT, stay involved with the children, since you two provide a much-needed bulwark while they live with her many dissatisfactions.

She clearly hasn't gotten past the hurts of her earlier years, including her mother's absence. Two Christmases isn't a huge compromise and marriages involving grown children need some new traditions.

I was in a three-year same-sex, long distance relationship with a man, from Europe - monogamous for me, not him.

I soon learned he was a drinker, substance abuser, sexually promiscuous. I broke off but remained friends. I also offered him support in seeking addiction treatment, which he rejected.

Fifteen years later, he occasionally visits, staying with me and my (same-sex) husband of 13 years. Recently, he bragged about a liaison with a flight attendant on his trip overseas; he spoke of his drug paraphernalia; he takes sleeping pills plus a double cocktail to sleep. He drinks at meals into the night. I believe he contracted hepatitis and doubt he informs his casual sex partners.
I cautioned him on the consequences of his being an alcoholic, abusing prescription drugs, his addiction to street drugs, his sexual addiction, of being inconsiderate of others' well being and playing his partner for the fool.

I drove him to the airport, told him I loved him as a friend and that my offer of help stood. He's since called and left a message asking to be in touch soon.

I'm wondering if I've said and done what's best.

Self-destructive Friend

You did what a friend should do. He heard you, was affected, and may seek treatment back home. Or not.

Keep periodic contact. Encourage him to get a health check-up, seek a behaviour modification specialist, join an Alcoholics' Anonymous group, etc. It's his responsibility to try to save his own life.

My son (21) recently met his soul mate. It's his first serious relationship. I'm having great difficulty now that he has replaced me. I asked other moms if they felt the same way, and they do... we feel abandoned. Perhaps you can educate other women. I was really crushed that I was no longer the rock that he needed. I wish I had a heads-up beforehand!

Shut Out

This work's done, Mom, but there'll be need and appreciation for you again. You and all those other moms should look closer at whom you've raised.

If your children are making responsible relationship choices, treating their partners well, and feeling secure about themselves, then you've done a great job and should be proud, not hurt. If they're choosing and acting badly, they'll need your support soon enough.

Otherwise, there'll be careers, houses, grandchildren - and your experience and wisdom will be sought and valued.