My husband had an affair in 2007. It's over. We had counselling and are trying to move forward. He seems fine. I'm not. Not an hour goes by that I don't think about it. It's affected my health. I feel possessed by it. Can you suggest a therapist whom I could consult regarding this?

Haunted

You've shown personal courage and already come through the worst of this ordeal, through the steps you jointly took so far - acknowledgement of the affair, his ending it, the decision to stay together, getting marriage counselling.

Though I can't promote specific professionals, I urge you to take charge of your own healing, by making sure you find a therapist who's the right fit. Some community agencies provide counselling, as do some faith leaders through pastoral counselling.

Or you can search www.findatherapist.com for your area and phone specific offices to ask whether the therapist specializes or has experience with individual counselling after a partner's affair. It takes two-to-three sessions to see if you have the right "fit;" if not, you have a right and a duty to yourself to seek someone else.

Be prepared that post-affair "grief" can relate to things that happened in your past, and can be more about old feelings of betrayal or insecurities, than about your husband's cheating which you've presumably already confronted.

Also, if your husband has moved past it but has not told you why and how it happened, your conversations and marital therapy with him have yet to be completed.

See the home page of my web-site www.ellieadvice.com and click on How to Find a Therapist for more search tips.

My father sexually abused me for years as a young child to my early teens. I never told anyone, not my mother, teachers, or friends; even my first husband didn't know. When I had children of my own, I didn't want my father in my life or theirs, so I cut off all contact with him (my parents had divorced). I never told anyone why, they assumed it was because of the divorce.

I've since divorced, my ex-husband knew but refused to deal with my past abuse issues. My new husband, has been very supportive, encouraged me to get counselling and to talk about the abuse. I realize now it was not my fault, and am no longer ashamed.

People close to me including my grown children now know the truth; they're understanding and supportive. But what do I tell "acquaintances," when they ask about my parents? I usually just say I haven't spoken to or seen him in 15 years but that just leads to questions.

Also, I heard that he's been ill, and hospitalized. Should I go see him for closure, etc? I'm at peace with the decision I made not to have him in my life, but at the end of his, what should I do?

Uncertain

You do NOT owe acquaintances any answer beyond this: "We have no contact; it's personal." This is not a suppressing of the abuse story - you've dealt with that. However, it's simply not anyone's business unless you choose to make it so.

Only visit your father if you need this for your sake; he forfeited the right long ago to demand anything for his sake.

Such visits sometimes do not bring closure, particularly if the abuser neither acknowledges nor shows any care about the past, or even about the relationship. Only visit if you feel strong enough to face that possibility.

My parents had a messy divorce when I was little.

I lived with my mom until mid-teens; when I moved to my dad, he'd remarried and had several stepchildren.

I was initially resistant to not being "the only child" anymore, and I acted selfishly.

I'm on my own now and haven't spoken to his family for two years. I don't get along with my father (he has control and anger issues), but I know he loves me and I don't want to hurt him by ignoring him. How do I maintain my independence while becoming less distant?

Another Transition

Make slow changes - a phone call to say hello, an invitation to meet for coffee. Show interest in his life, but don't divulge everything about your own. And initiate gentle limits - e.g. visits only monthly, phone contact only to plan getting together. Stay mindful not to build unrealistic expectations.