My boyfriend of three years supports me financially and emotionally.
Awhile back, we were fighting a lot and our sex life dropped drastically; he'd continually reject me. But he insisted the problem was that he wasn't happy because bills were mounting and money was low.
But I looked for red flags: I learned he had a Facebook account and lied to me about it. He apologized. I learned he had a second email address. I found emails from him to other women, saying things like "If you're looking for a nice guy to talk to, my name is...."
However I knew he didn't have any time for hookups, as we were always together.
I installed a computer key-logger to track messages, websites, etc. I only found some porn - but he's watching twice daily, while we're NOT having sex! (I watch porn too, but am always ready for him).
When I called him on everything, he said the emails happened when he was drunk and goofing around, the porn was a quick stress release. He never apologized, so I was still hurt. We were still not intimate.
He said if I kept my nose out of his business we wouldn't be having this conversation. We took a break, we've been back together for two months - our sex life and finances have picked up!
When I uninstalled the spy-ware I noticed he'd sent some emails while we were apart, and that he still visits porn sites. I'm wondering if this will get out of control.
Okay, so he wasn't up front about the Facebook account, but it seems it was "small stuff" in the big picture you normally share (have you never kept anything from him?)
Now, with the important sex and money issues resolved, your spying and worrying need to get "under control." There was never any heavy deception, just tensions between you two.
Both of you need to learn to talk about a problem, instead of retreating. He withdrew sexually, which was hurtful; you resorted to detective work, which showed distrust.
Fortunately, you still want to be together, so worry less, and communicate more.
Previously, my five-year-old daughter insisted my friend abused her. I should've questioned my friend first, but there was no way I would've believed her over my daughter, who'd never lied before.
After days with no changes to her story, I told my daughter the police would come with a lie detector. She then said she made it up. I immediately apologized to the woman and told my few closest confidantes that my family erred, and had disciplined my daughter.
But the woman told others and now the large group of friends I had no longer speak to me. I can understand why she won't forgive me, but I had never harmed any of the others. How can I get past the hurt of being an outcast for a mistake?
I'm more concerned about your daughter than your former friends. I'm hoping 1) that you assured yourself that she hadn't been abused by anyone, at the time; 2) you learned where she got the concept, and why she said it; 3) you provided her some professional therapy after simply scaring her about the police.
Any adult women to whom you've already apologized, who can't understand the anguish over your child's story, lacks compassion for renewing friendship. Nevertheless, it'd be decent to apologize again, to each one. Then, widen your contacts and make new friends.
Our next-door neighbours have two boys, four and six years old. Whenever we go outside, the family sends their kids out for us to watch. We live off a very busy street.
These neighbours never come out to watch their kids themselves. I'm pregnant and tired; we'd like some time alone with our kids without having to babysit! How do I stand up for my rights? I really like this family and don't want to offend.
Knock on the door and speak up! Suggest the neighbourly idea of alternating play dates, as well as setting "family time alone." The kids can all be together sometimes, but only if both households take turns being responsible, whether inside or out. Other times, each family may prefer time "on our own" with their kids.
Better to say this now, warmly, before your new baby's demands make you less polite when shooing their youngsters away.
Tip of the day:
Closing down intimacy and trust only exacerbate relationship problems.