I previously dated my current boyfriend of eight months 20-plus years ago. He’s 51, and 13 years older than me. I love the way he treats me.

He’s an equal partner in helping me make decisions that affect both of us, and sharing in housework. He’s also very giving. In some ways, he's a total dream guy.

However, he’s seriously addicted to smoking cigarettes and marijuana. I have children and don't want that around them. I’ve never dated anyone with any addictions and I don't have any, so it’s been difficult to deal with having these so "in my face."

Also, he’s extremely insecure, jealous of any male I talk to except a family member, and second-guesses everything I say. (e.g. he doesn't believe I love him, doesn't trust me).

He’s afraid to move forward and make a more serious commitment, of marriage.

He’s never been married.

I’m not sure whether I should stay in the relationship for the security of it, or strike out on my own. I can be very independent and self-sufficient, but prefer being in a relationship. What do you think?

Uncertain Future

Since you asked, and since you’re a grown woman with children, I’ll be blunt – your “dream guy’s” a nightmare.

There’s no “security” in living with a jealous, untrusting man. There’s no “giving” likely on serious addictions, just because you want them kept from your children.

You’d be settling for something you think you can handle, when in fact this is a man in middle age who’s never before had to compromise with a wife and children. Just hoping he will for you isn’t going to make it happen.

Move on, before his jealousy makes you miserable, and before your kids rebel against your choosing someone so wrong as their role model.

Recently, my husband and I threw a backyard barbeque for friends and family. My mother attended and pointed out to other guests that next time we should have a weed-pulling party, as there were so many weeds on our walkway.

She then told everyone that she wiped down the bottom of my fridge because it was "filthy" from a spill.

How do I approach this? I did immediately retort that the next day was Saturday, which is my fridge-cleaning day. Did I even need to say that? Is it wrong to expect that anyone, even my mother, keep their negative comments to themselves?

I felt so disrespected and my guests were so embarrassed for me. How should I address this?

Gob-smacked

You’ve known your mother a long time, so are likely not that surprised. She’s negative and critical.

You could avoid her comments by not inviting her at all, and have her over on her own, instead. Or you could talk to her ahead and set limits, as in, “If, as usual, I hear you being critical, this will be your last invitation to be with other guests here.”

OR, you could see the humour and sadness in her ability to find something to knock, and her need to do so. In other words, she seeks attention, and despite being a mother, gets it by being rude to you.

If you could only laugh it off and say, “Good for you, Mom, you found a flaw and now you feel happy…”

Then, if you could carry on as if nothing were wrong or unusual, your guests would admire you and not care about your fridge or weeds, nor even remember the remarks.

I’m looking for a very good counsellor for my daughter, 16, who’s started sneaking out of the house, smoking up, and stealing money. Can you recommend someone to work with her?

Worried Mom

Though I don’t recommend specific counselors, I’ve included your request to acknowledge your wisdom in getting her help rather than overreacting, and to provide some direction for you to do the search yourself.

Your daughter needs you to be pro-active, so don’t be easily deterred. The school may have some counsellor suggestions and so do some agencies such as the local YWCA and youth organizations.

Your family doctor may also know of therapists experienced with people her age.

If she wants to talk to someone of her own finding, she could call Kids Help Phone (for teens too) - a free, confidential and anonymous, 24-hour telephone and online counselling service.

Above all, stay connected and caring; her behaviour’s a cry for help.