My girlfriend and I have been together for three years. We met through friends, hit it off immediately, and had an easy, fun-filled loving relationship. But I don’t see a future with her, and I want to move on.

I can’t put it into words or explain it; I just know I don’t want to spend my life with this woman and I’m done. I think she’s going to be shocked and devastated. I haven’t given her any reason to think things have changed, because in truth, they haven’t. Other than that my love for her has diminished.

My worry is that we are so intertwined and enmeshed in each other’s lives that it’ll be hard to disengage. We are still very close with the people who introduced us, and we now share many friends, individually and as couples. Also, she is known and well-liked by my family, and vice versa. And I’ve become close with her brother.

How and when do I untangle myself from this coupledom?

Just plain done

The sooner the better, I say. If you’re right about how she feels, then this is going to hurt. Badly. And waiting isn’t going to make it any easier. Also, unless you’re teenagers, which I don’t think you are, at your stage, most relationships head towards marriage and children. If you want out, you should go now, so she can grieve and then find her person. Not to say that you don’t want to find someone else and have a future, but you’re the one who’s already over it.

The only thing you can do is to tell your family so they’re aware of what’s about to come and then (quickly) tell your girlfriend. Be kind; be patient; be thoughtful and warm. Don’t react to her reactions. She may lash out from pain and surprise. She may say hurtful things. Let them bounce off you. And just apologize because I assume (hopefully) that you never meant to hurt her, and that your feelings have just changed. It’s hard for anyone to hear.

My husband and I have hit a rough patch. We have talked about what’s happening between us, but nothing seems to shake us out of this downward spiral.  We both agree that we still love each other, our family, and that we want to get back that loving feeling towards each other. But we’re struggling.

Both of our career paths have changed since our wedding 15 years ago, and we both work hard, and make good incomes. We have more financial pressures now due to our children’s needs and his parents’ declining health, but nothing that will send us into the doghouse.

We still like many of the same activities and we enjoy each other’s company when we’re on vacation. But something happens when we’re home. His morning routine drives me crazy; my dinnertime conversation apparently makes him crazy, etc.

How can we reset and re-engage?

Too many years….

15 years of marriage is not that long in the scheme of things. And you both say that you want to make your marriage last, which is 100 per cent the key here.

Have you been to a marriage counsellor together? Perhaps they could help you see the areas where you two could work together to overcome this rough period. In the meantime, is there something he can change about his morning routine? Is there something you can change about your dinnertime discussions?

I also suggest making a list of things you like to do together, for example, going to hear live music; dressing up for a special dinner date; taking the kids skating at night, etc. Then once a week make sure to do one of those activities.

Also, you two need to spend some time together naked between the sheets. Physical intimacy will likely strengthen emotional intimacy.

FEEDBACK Regarding struggling (Dec. 12):

Reader – “Ghosting a friend when he is at the lowest point in his life is unkind. But yes, space is needed. He should do a little research on available counselling (e.g., privately paid therapists, agencies, clergy, etc.) and pass the information on to his friend. And he could provide occasional distractions from his friend’s crushing woes — a bracing walk in a natural area, a movie, lunch or dinner out. But he should limit the amount of time they spend together on any specific activity (probably two hours maximum) and the frequency of their meetings (once a month if that doesn’t negatively affect his own mental health).

“He probably shouldn’t put himself in the position of trying to play therapist. Maintain contact but keep it short, snappy and under control. This unfortunate father must move forward with his life.”