I’m a woman, 23, in a relationship with another woman, 30, until things felt “too good,” and I distanced from her. She remained in constant contact, and a month later, I felt secure enough to be “together” again.
I pulled the same stuff two months later, because I discovered her talking online to a girl, 18, whom she was mentoring. The tone of the conversation made me uncomfortable.
I was assured that if the friendship was a problem, she’d end it. But my trust was rocky after that, as was hers, with my frequent doubts and breaks.
After our last split, I realized that I was in love with her. We were still communicating; She said her friend was coming to college in our town. She also said she wasn’t ready to give me her “all” again because of my pushing her away.
Now, she’ll barely speak to me, and won’t see me, though she indicates she still loves me. I see a future with her but she won’t allow me to express my thoughts.
Should I move on?
- Love Her Now
You’ve created the pattern of a tortured relationship, and need a complete break, for any future hope.
If you feel the same way in several months, write a simple request to meet in person and discuss some ground rules for an attempt to date again. They would have to include YOU learning to control your periods of doubt with open communication about whatever’s going on.
Also, SHE should be able to have friends, without your acting suspicious, so long as you meet them and are introduced as her partner.
Love doesn’t have to be a stormy situation, but for a relationship to last, both people have to be willing to compromise and temper their reactions.
I initially moved into an apartment with two friends; however, one recently moved away for work.
The other girl and I now live with a random person our ex-roomie found online, to sublet her room. She seemed fine at first, but now she drinks more than a couple of alcoholic drinks every night, stays up until 3am. Using the Internet, and misses one to two days of work a week, when we know she’s not sick.
We’re hesitant to say anything because we really don’t know her, but her habits are making us reluctant to trust her, and making us uncomfortable at home.
Also, she wears slippers that are obnoxiously loud, and stomps around the house until all hours of the night. We don’t know if it’s petty to approach her about this.
- Sleepless Nights
Deal with what actually affects your living situation. Loud stomping in the night is your business, so it’s not “petty” to have a civilized conversation with a roommate and say that she’s keeping you two awake. Her not going to work is NOT your business, so long as it doesn’t intrude on your life, e.g. leaving a mess by day.
However, her drinking habit is a less clear-cut matter. It would be a kindness on your part to try and discuss this, to help her recognize the fact she’s becoming an alcoholic (she fits the definition if it’s a consistent need). But, she won’t appreciate your intrusion if the two of you have stayed remote and judgmental with her, rather than tried to establish a roommate relationship.
If you cannot make headway, then think through your options - you also have the right to sub-let your room and move.
While a high-school freshman, my friend dated a senior. He broke up with her after he got drunk one night, and had sex with his ex.
A year later, she still loves him and sneaks out to see him.
Recently, she got caught by her mother, then ran away. She asks her friends for advice but doesn’t use it.
She’s mentioned leaving town with him.
- Worried
Inform her mother of everything you know, especially her daughter’s whereabouts.
This girl’s too young and emotionally overwrought to make a move that could cause her and her family enormous grief.
Her guy may get drunk again, make other “mistakes;” she may get pregnant. Neither are prepared to be independent financially.
Your best act as a friend is to make sure she’s safe at home with family. If the guy’s decent, he’ll want that for her, too; they can negotiate dating again, when things settle.
Tip of the day:
Stormy relationships require weather-proofing strategies, or a break to re-assess.