My brother-in-law moved overseas eight years ago; he’s returned to visit a few times.

My husband of 15 years and I have three children. We’ve always struggled financially. After two years of unemployment, he’s working again. We’re just finally getting out of debt.

My brother-in-law’s getting married next year, overseas. My husband’s contract ends two months prior. I don’t want more debt for a wedding; we don’t even own our own home.

I told my in-laws but they’re putting pressure on us, with guilt. (It’s $10,000 for our family to attend.)

My husband’s brother has always been the centre of attention. He recently sent an anniversary card with a $30 cheque and a message, “A little something towards your trip here… or not.”

The money isn’t the problem, the strings that I feel attached to it are.

Also, our eldest child gets much more attention from my in-laws, than the two younger ones. My mother-in-laws thinks that, because my oldest had a relationship with her uncle before he moved, she’s entitled to go even if we cannot afford for all three to go.

I feel this doesn’t nurture a relationship between the uncle and the younger two. And the oldest hasn’t been close to the uncle since he moved.

I don’t want to alienate my husband from his parents.

So Angry!

Send your husband to this wedding for one week away. The cost is far less than a family trip, which it seems obvious you’d resent, especially if he hasn’t landed a next job by then.

If your in-laws want to pay for your daughter, that’s still for you and her father to decide. It’s not unusual for a parent to take the eldest child along. It’s also common that grandparents feel more attached to their oldest/first grandchild, but you have to arrange that they spend individual time with the other two.

Be sure that you’re not preventing this trip for your daughter because of your own reaction towards your in-laws.

You and your husband have struggled long and are now doing well. Be proud of that, and less reactive. Show that you and he can find reasonable solutions to family matters on your own.

Some women I know told me about another young mother’s “clueless” and neglectful behaviour with her children.

They said she went somewhere and left the child ALONE at home, having given the baby monitor to the neighbour who “listened” from next door.

I think these women should report this mother to child services. But they say they don’t want to be “the one who ruins her life.”

Your Thoughts

Everyone has a duty to report child abuse and neglect, whether witnessed or suspected, under Canadian child welfare laws. Professionals who work with children and youth have an added responsibility to report.

In the United States there are similar laws, though some states list specific mandatory reporters.

You can report to police or children’s authorities, locally or provincially (or US state officials). A report can be made anonymously.

You must be clear with the women that while they’re protecting the mother, they’re allowing a child’s life to be at risk. They MUST report her, if the facts are correct.

If, however, they’re exaggerating, they must explain the law to her, as well as the risks she’s taking. If they see signs of depression or true helplessness in caring for her child, all the more reason to alert authorities and her husband, of what’s going on.

FEEDBACK Regarding the woman whose husband’s sure his best friend’s cheating (June 2):

Reader – “It's hilarious that everyone thinks they have to pussy-foot around a cheating husband. Your advice to his best friend's wife was to take on the dirty task and alert this creep’s wife of his cheating. Men seldom have the courage to do it themselves.

“His male friend should confront him and get the truth, then warn him to tell his wife or HE will. Most of the colleagues know about his cheating so he has to come clean, and do his own dirty work. (It's always left to the females).”

Ellie – Nothing’s hilarious about a cheater… not health risks to the innocent partner, nor humiliation that everyone else knew but the cheater’s wife.

Yes, the male friend should’ve spoken up directly, but he didn’t. I told his wife to ask questions that would trigger the wife realizing the deceit.